In light of the Breaking Dawn craze… and witnessing so much cray cray in grown ass women dress in a fucking wedding dress for the opening of this movie… I decided to compile a list of men… flawed in literature and cinema and their stories are more believable than a hundred year old vampire falling for a stupid teenager. I suggest obsessing over these men before you make a goddamn fool of yourself wishing for the love of the broody Edward Cullen… come on ladies, I know you love him and his “ultra mysterious vampire vibe” but it seems a lot of you have forgotten some of the ultimate bad asses who leave this guy in the dust… so here’s your reminder.
10. Peeta Mellark (the Hunger Games): this kid is dumb as lobster bait yet I’d still gladly stand outside his family’s shitty bakery, covered in soot, giggling and waving like an idiot. While you should forget the second and third book ever existed- the Hunger Games is pretty darn amazing… Peeta’s story is a precious albeit sappy and unoriginal one but I still can’t help but swoon over his relationshit. I want to tear my hair out every time Katniss and Peeta interact then push each other away- because it’s like every other high school dramedy you’ve come across- if your high school was a battle field of aggravated assault… oh and you may or may not have to try and murder each other- whatevs… still much more healthy than the emotional abuse our dear Edward bestows upon the willing damp mop that is Bella Swan.
9. Sherlock Holmes: given the plethora of dreamy eyed man-candy that has played this epic eccentric character- you’d think it would be a sure bet that Sherlock Holmes could slap the shit out of Edward Cullen, laugh sarcastically then prove that vampires don’t really exist… Do you like role play? Holmes is the master of disguise. How about intelligence? Holmes uses logical reasoning to solve crime! Do you dig sidekicks? He’s got a great one. Do you like ultra hot Robert Downey Jr? He PLAYS him in one of the movies. He also has the skills… martial arts, swords, canes, his goddamn fists, and he’s been known to use a riding crop to disarm people. Remember how I said this guy is ripe with intelligence? Yeah I meant it- he’s pretty decent with sensational literature, philosophy, astronomy, politics (okay that one might be a lie), chemistry, and he plays the violin. Guinness World Records has consistently listed Sherlock Holmes as the “most portrayed movie character” with 75 actors playing the part in over 211 films…
8. Wesley (The Princess Bride): What’s not to fucking LOVE about the greatest love story every told? You want someone pining for you? How about blond haired, dreamy-eyed Wesley? Who is both a sensitive farm boy and bad ass pirate. Best thing about him? He’ll always come back from the dead and save you before you have to marry that slime ball prince… drop your sword, mother f*cker. If you haven’t spent over a quarter of your life obsessing over this movie, quoting every line and wishing you had a grandpa half as cool as Columbo then you’re really missing something. Wesley is just the very top of an array of awesome men to swoon over in this story- even the Sicilian is less of a mental terrorist than Edward… and everyone knows you never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Batman Bateman (American Psycho): because let’s face it- even on his worst of days- dear old Pat is hella less creepy than Edward. Sure he may kill you- that’s only half the fun… but at least when HE sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep there’s a definite (and final) reason behind it… not a wishy-washy pervy ulterior motive. Patrick Bateman loves you in pieces (© Erin). Since you’re already pining after a killer- I figured I’d point you in the direction of a much cooler one. Pat won’t take any of your whiny bullshit either… but instead of leaving you alone in the woods among wolves- he has the common decency to end your misery in a nice apartment- in comfort. He also would never impregnate you with a demon baby… I don’t think.
6. Kyle Reese (Terminator): can you name anything more romantic than falling in love with a girl in a photograph and traveling back in time to protect the girl in said photograph from an evil murderous robot? I DON’T THINK SO! Can you think of a better story than said couple bringing a son into the world who will lead the resistance against a globally devastating mech war? I didn’t think so either… Kyle Reese leaves good old Edward in the dust for many reasons- the biggest one being he can make a fucking pipe bomb out of household supplies and work his way into the damsel in distress’ panties in under forty minutes screen time… oh and he also coined “come with me if you want to live” one of the most romantic pick up lines ever. Sure… it doesn’t end well… not all stories are perfect- but what matters is that this guy had enough heart, drive and love to do something I’ve never seen anyone in history do… mainly because we don’t have time travel but since when should that stop someone?
5. John Bender (the Breakfast Club): nothing quite like having a bully at the dinner table. I loved John Bender so much that I purposefully stalked a dude in high school who kind of looked like him. Wait- am I REALLY telling you to obsess over a bully rather than a “vampire?” Yes. Because everyone knows a Bender- and they love him. We don’t see him in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions… he has just as much mystery as the Cullen kids only he’s not trying to hide his- he’s trying to set fire to the school. He’s your typical bully… hiding all feelings of an abusive home life. He’s negative and demeaning yet says some of the more intellectual shit during the course of a Saturday detention session. Oh AND he gets the princess.
4. Rick Grimes (The Walking Dead): I won’t get all that spoilery on you but Rick Grimes is a survivor… he’ll go through hell for you and he’s an extremely good father. He even takes pity on people who… may or may not have… boned his wife behind his back. Getting down to the grit of human survival… Rick really shines as a would-be hero of the zombie apocalypse- yet he’s not without some major flawed bullshit moral mind fucks… he’s a problem solver, he’s not afraid to cry and he can kill fifty zombies in under five minutes… one handed.
3. Bud Brigman (the Abyss): there’s something about a movie couple who mirrors your fighting parents that just gets you as a kid… such a run of the mill couple with marital problems… thousands of feet under the sea dealing with nuclear war and aliens. James Cameron is a goddamn love song poet. Bud is the very coolest of men- and long before Harry Stamper and AJ took over the doomsday oil rigger roles- this guy was shouting his epic lines of anger towards his estrange wife Lindsey, trying to bring her back to life. He will also brave miles of abyssal trenches under thousands of feet of water to help save mankind- which I view as a plus.
2. Louis + Lestat (Interview with the Vampire): remember when vampires were cool? Lestat de Lioncourt does… which is why he sired Louis de Pointe du Lac. Not only are these guys the real deal- they also make the feminine vampire vibe look hella badass- and THAT my friends is original… or at least as original as we can get for an ancient global myth. Louis is a much better brooder in my book and Lestat is a rock star… an actual rock star. This vampire had the balls to call out his kind by becoming a goddamn musician. Louis and Lestat don’t sparkle unless they eat a stripper… and they sure as shit don’t play baseball.
1. Rhett Butler (Gone with the Wind): time for your history lesson… Rhett Butler is one of the original idiots to fall for a stupid, annoying, selfish bitch- proving that vagina is the ultimate cosmic power int he universe- and can be JUST as emotionally abusive as any man. He’s also probably the original honey badger- because he didn’t give a damn. You love to hate his relationshit… it’s beyond frustrating… and in the end- you KNOW this bitch will get him back… I mean… god was her witness… and by the way- Rhett and Scarlett were the biggest fuck weasels in recent cinematic history- and their story is loads more compelling and emotionally driven than Twilight.
In closing I would like to add that all of these characters are fictional. This seems to be the biggest thing everyone is forgetting. FICTIONAL. They don’t exist in our reality. You can’t marry them. Sure we’ve all had those fantasies about [insert childhood movie star crush here] sweeping us off our feet… but that’s just the thing… they were usually decent role models… I mean- I really didn’t know Corey Feldman and Haim were druggies until I was older and then I dropped liking them because I knew they weren’t people to look up to… and yeah it was pretty devastating to know how badly River Phoenix fucked up… but these people are real. In a social standard that pretty much shoves the Hollywood factor down our throats- I think there are just better stories out there to go nuts over… (but not too nuts).
I am supportive of any of my friends and family who dig this movie- we as humans have obsessive natures. I am not saying that in some way- to some people the Twilight characters don’t have redeeming qualities… I’m sure there are some. I am not without liking some of the characters- who don’t talk a lot. In fact- if this story were about that Alice and Jasper I would be standing in line right now… but I stand firm in believing these are characters meant to entertain our minds and not be a standard for us to expect others to live up to. Husbands and boyfriends are finding themselves competing with a fictional teenage vampire who can do no wrong. Seems pretty ridiculous- seeing as how said vampire is a total controlling dick.