Well! Hello, my Revengeaholics! Listen, I just checked? And this is our last episode for TWO WEEKS. I know! What are we going to DO after today? Probably get our own revenge on people/things in our lives just to fill the gaping hole, right? I personally plan on getting revenge on the sun. It keeps waking me up on Sundays when I want to sleep in. YOU’RE ON NOTICE, SUN.
Season One, Episode Thirteen
Last time: Emily got revenge on the gossipwriter who lied to her about her father and published a scandalous tell-all book about him and also set the stage for Whorebag’s inevitable downfall; Whorebag made Ah-Duhhhh Jack whirl her away to Atlantic City; and Emily finds out that Charlotte is her SISTER in a totally NOT AT ALL SHOCKING turn of events. What will happen what will happen?????
OK. THIS WEEK. Aw, Emily invited Nolan over to watch the video about Charlotte being her sister. Their friendship is adorable, you guys, seriously. It makes me want to pinch both of their cheeks twice. I like that she needed someone there to prop her up a little, even though she’s totally hard, and she has Nolan for that, and Nolan, who’s never had anyone, has someone now. This makes me happy.
Emily says her plan is to send one of the tapes to the Greysons, so they can bear the brunt of figuring out if it’s true or not, and plant the rest on Whorebag, so it looks like she torched the Gossipwriter’s abode last week. Nolan, BECAUSE HE HAS A HEART, is all, “Um…you just found out you have a sister. This isn’t…affecting you? At all?” Emily’s made of REVENGE AND STONE. It does not move her. NOT AT ALL.
Victoria and wee Daniel blather on about Greyson Global’s money and how Victoria can get some in the divorce and my eyes glaze over because SO SO BORING. Victoria tells Daniel that since it looks like she’ll be getting the money, he won’t have to marry Emily after all! Whew! Whew, right, sonny? But wee Daniel’s all, “Mooooom, I looooove her!” Victoria bitchfaces at this.
Emily “warns” Whorebag that Gossipwriter’s home burned down and that Victoria probably did it to frame Whorebag and Whorebag should TOTALLY get out of Dodge. Whorebag’s not having it. She wants to stay and make sweet, sweet love with her brainless lover-man.
Conrad tells Bawston Declan and Charlotte that he’s paid for BOTH of them to attend prep school; all Bawston Declan has to do is pass the entrance exam. I guess this is to buy Charlotte’s love, and to piss off Victoria? Someone delivers him a flash drive. He wonders, “what could this be?” Hmm. I wonder, Conrad. I do so wonder. At a big meeting o’the lawyers, Conrad plays the flash drive: oh! Surprise! It’s the interview with Emily’s dad! And Conrad tells Victoria that if Charlotte doesn’t pass the paternity test? OH HELL TO PAY BABY. Victoria’s lawyer is PISSED she didn’t tell him this latest development. Victoria schemes and schemes and comes up with the best plan: invite Whorebag over for tea!
Emily puts the tapes in Whorebag’s stuff. Jack catches her but believes her tissue-thin lie as to why she’s there. BECAUSE HE IS STUPID YO.
Whorebag is effing up left and right at the luncheon with Victoria. First she eats strawberries, which the real Amanda is deathly allergic to. Then she licks off a COMMUNAL SPOON (ugh, so gross) and leaves it on her plate, and you KNOW Victoria was all “hey, lawyer, test that shit for DNA” as soon as she flounced out. Victoria accused her of sending the flash drive and torching Gossipwriter’s house; Whorebag was all “whatever, biznatch” and stalked out all whorey.
Paternity test is back. Guess who’s NOT Charlotte’s dad? No, not Ozzy Osbourne, but he’s probably not her dad, either. CONRAD. CONRAD IS NOT HER DAD.
Conrad tells Victoria she either takes a little amount of money or he takes her to court and tells the world that she’s a terrorist’s whore and that Charlotte’s a terrorist’s child. Ashley hears all of this, and is furious at herself that she was sucking up to the wrong Greyson all summer.
Whorebag starts to tell Jack too much, but Nolan overhears and puts a stop to it by making a mess at the bar and then tells Whorebag to shut her pie-hole, if she knows what’s good for her. Only nicer. And sexier.
Conrad hates Charlotte now and tells her she has to go live with her mother. Sweet, stupid Charlotte runs weeping into the night.
Daniel proposes to Emily in the rain. She says yes. I gag a little. They tell Victoria. She totally restrains herself from carving Emily’s eyes out with her fingernails, it’s very adult of her.
Ashley tells Jack and Nolan that Emily is engaged. They are both upset for different reasons. A disgusting biker hits on Whorebag, and she somehow restrains herself from screwing him on the bar in front of everyone, so I guess everyone is growing and maturing a little, isn’t that nice?
Wee Daniel tells his dad he’s engaged. This turns into an argument about Victoria. Conrad’s all, “ASK YOUR MOM WHY SHE’S A WHORE.”
Charlotte comes to Emily’s to look for her brother to comfort her. She finds out about the engagement and is all “I’ve always wanted a sister!” Oh, poor, sweet, stupid little fool. Emily hugs her. It’s actually kind of touching, if Emily wasn’t mostly stone and ash inside.
Whaaaaat? The lawyer brings back the DNA tests, and they say that Whorebag IS Charlotte’s half-sister, making her Amanda Clarke? What the holy hell?
Whaaaaat? The disgusting biker is upstairs at the Stowaway, stealing all the tapes that Emily worked so hard to plant on Whorebag! Jack walks in and biker thoroughly kicks his ass! Whorebag and Nolan find him! They are SO UPSET!
Nolan, who listen, really likes Jack, because he’s the heart of the series, storms over to Emily’s, all “YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR TAPE-PLANTING” and when she finds out that Jack got hurt, she gets very teary-eyed.
Emily! Meets the lawyer! Secretly! THEY WERE IN CAHOOTS YOU GUYS! She yells at him for allowing Jack to get hurt. He tells her she almost dropped the ball with the DNA test on Whorebag, but good thing he was able to switch the info so her DNA was tested instead. Wheee! The lawyer tells Emily that even though he believes in her father and always has, this might be going too far. Emily gets teary again.
Emily tells Whorebag everything – well, mostly everything – playing up the “if you stay here, Jack will be in more danger” thing. Whorebag rides her painted pony into the sunset, without telling comatose Jack goodbye.
Wee Daniel insists on the truth from Victoria; she implies Emily’s dad raped her. Wow, that’s not at all horrible and doesn’t at all diminish what happens all the time to real rape victims THANKS VICKI.
Emily tells Nolan she’s going to tell wee Daniel she’s not going to marry him, because this has gone too far and there has to be a better way. Nolan approves and attempts to comfort her; she tells him not to touch her, which made me giggle.
Ah-duhhhh Jack finds out Whorebag left. The camera shows us there is ONE MORE VIDEOTAPE under the bed dun dun dunnnnn.
Victoria puts the videos in a safe. (So she did hire the gross biker? OK…there must be more on those tapes she doesn’t want anyone to see…)
Daniel tells Emily that his poor, poor mom was raped by a terrorist. Emily’s response? “How about a June wedding?” IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG VICTORIA.
Two weeks, Revengians! Plenty of time for all the plotting! Try not to miss me too much!