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Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Commitment”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Commitment”

by Amy|on January 23, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged ABC, humor, Nolan, recap, Revenge, television |1 Comment

Well! Hello, my Revengeaholics! Listen, I just checked? And this is our last episode for TWO WEEKS. I know! What are we going to DO after today? Probably get our own revenge on people/things in our lives just to fill the gaping hole, right? I personally plan on getting revenge on the sun. It keeps waking me up on Sundays when I want to sleep in. YOU’RE ON NOTICE, SUN.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Thirteen
“Commitment”

Last time: Emily got revenge on the gossipwriter who lied to her about her father and published a scandalous tell-all book about him and also set the stage for Whorebag’s inevitable downfall; Whorebag made Ah-Duhhhh Jack whirl her away to Atlantic City; and Emily finds out that Charlotte is her SISTER in a totally NOT AT ALL SHOCKING turn of events. What will happen what will happen?????

OK. THIS WEEK. Aw, Emily invited Nolan over to watch the video about Charlotte being her sister. Their friendship is adorable, you guys, seriously. It makes me want to pinch both of their cheeks twice. I like that she needed someone there to prop her up a little, even though she’s totally hard, and she has Nolan for that, and Nolan, who’s never had anyone, has someone now. This makes me happy.

Emily says her plan is to send one of the tapes to the Greysons, so they can bear the brunt of figuring out if it’s true or not, and plant the rest on Whorebag, so it looks like she torched the Gossipwriter’s abode last week. Nolan, BECAUSE HE HAS A HEART, is all, “Um…you just found out you have a sister. This isn’t…affecting you? At all?” Emily’s made of REVENGE AND STONE. It does not move her. NOT AT ALL.

Victoria and wee Daniel blather on about Greyson Global’s money and how Victoria can get some in the divorce and my eyes glaze over because SO SO BORING. Victoria tells Daniel that since it looks like she’ll be getting the money, he won’t have to marry Emily after all! Whew! Whew, right, sonny? But wee Daniel’s all, “Mooooom, I looooove her!” Victoria bitchfaces at this.

Emily “warns” Whorebag that Gossipwriter’s home burned down and that Victoria probably did it to frame Whorebag and Whorebag should TOTALLY get out of Dodge. Whorebag’s not having it. She wants to stay and make sweet, sweet love with her brainless lover-man.

Conrad tells Bawston Declan and Charlotte that he’s paid for BOTH of them to attend prep school; all Bawston Declan has to do is pass the entrance exam. I guess this is to buy Charlotte’s love, and to piss off Victoria? Someone delivers him a flash drive. He wonders, “what could this be?” Hmm. I wonder, Conrad. I do so wonder. At a big meeting o’the lawyers, Conrad plays the flash drive: oh! Surprise! It’s the interview with Emily’s dad! And Conrad tells Victoria that if Charlotte doesn’t pass the paternity test? OH HELL TO PAY BABY. Victoria’s lawyer is PISSED she didn’t tell him this latest development. Victoria schemes and schemes and comes up with the best plan: invite Whorebag over for tea!

Emily puts the tapes in Whorebag’s stuff. Jack catches her but believes her tissue-thin lie as to why she’s there. BECAUSE HE IS STUPID YO.

Whorebag is effing up left and right at the luncheon with Victoria. First she eats strawberries, which the real Amanda is deathly allergic to. Then she licks off a COMMUNAL SPOON (ugh, so gross) and leaves it on her plate, and you KNOW Victoria was all “hey, lawyer, test that shit for DNA” as soon as she flounced out. Victoria accused her of sending the flash drive and torching Gossipwriter’s house; Whorebag was all “whatever, biznatch” and stalked out all whorey.

Paternity test is back. Guess who’s NOT Charlotte’s dad? No, not Ozzy Osbourne, but he’s probably not her dad, either. CONRAD. CONRAD IS NOT HER DAD.

Conrad tells Victoria she either takes a little amount of money or he takes her to court and tells the world that she’s a terrorist’s whore and that Charlotte’s a terrorist’s child. Ashley hears all of this, and is furious at herself that she was sucking up to the wrong Greyson all summer.

Whorebag starts to tell Jack too much, but Nolan overhears and puts a stop to it by making a mess at the bar and then tells Whorebag to shut her pie-hole, if she knows what’s good for her. Only nicer. And sexier.

Conrad hates Charlotte now and tells her she has to go live with her mother. Sweet, stupid Charlotte runs weeping into the night.

Daniel proposes to Emily in the rain. She says yes. I gag a little. They tell Victoria. She totally restrains herself from carving Emily’s eyes out with her fingernails, it’s very adult of her.

Ashley tells Jack and Nolan that Emily is engaged. They are both upset for different reasons. A disgusting biker hits on Whorebag, and she somehow restrains herself from screwing him on the bar in front of everyone, so I guess everyone is growing and maturing a little, isn’t that nice?

Wee Daniel tells his dad he’s engaged. This turns into an argument about Victoria. Conrad’s all, “ASK YOUR MOM WHY SHE’S A WHORE.”

Charlotte comes to Emily’s to look for her brother to comfort her. She finds out about the engagement and is all “I’ve always wanted a sister!” Oh, poor, sweet, stupid little fool. Emily hugs her. It’s actually kind of touching, if Emily wasn’t mostly stone and ash inside.

Whaaaaat? The lawyer brings back the DNA tests, and they say that Whorebag IS Charlotte’s half-sister, making her Amanda Clarke? What the holy hell?

Whaaaaat? The disgusting biker is upstairs at the Stowaway, stealing all the tapes that Emily worked so hard to plant on Whorebag! Jack walks in and biker thoroughly kicks his ass! Whorebag and Nolan find him! They are SO UPSET!

Nolan, who listen, really likes Jack, because he’s the heart of the series, storms over to Emily’s, all “YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR TAPE-PLANTING” and when she finds out that Jack got hurt, she gets very teary-eyed.

Emily! Meets the lawyer! Secretly! THEY WERE IN CAHOOTS YOU GUYS! She yells at him for allowing Jack to get hurt. He tells her she almost dropped the ball with the DNA test on Whorebag, but good thing he was able to switch the info so her DNA was tested instead. Wheee! The lawyer tells Emily that even though he believes in her father and always has, this might be going too far. Emily gets teary again.

Emily tells Whorebag everything – well, mostly everything – playing up the “if you stay here, Jack will be in more danger” thing. Whorebag rides her painted pony into the sunset, without telling comatose Jack goodbye.

Wee Daniel insists on the truth from Victoria; she implies Emily’s dad raped her. Wow, that’s not at all horrible and doesn’t at all diminish what happens all the time to real rape victims THANKS VICKI.

Emily tells Nolan she’s going to tell wee Daniel she’s not going to marry him, because this has gone too far and there has to be a better way. Nolan approves and attempts to comfort her; she tells him not to touch her, which made me giggle.

Ah-duhhhh Jack finds out Whorebag left. The camera shows us there is ONE MORE VIDEOTAPE under the bed dun dun dunnnnn.

Victoria puts the videos in a safe. (So she did hire the gross biker? OK…there must be more on those tapes she doesn’t want anyone to see…)

Daniel tells Emily that his poor, poor mom was raped by a terrorist. Emily’s response? “How about a June wedding?” IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG VICTORIA.

Two weeks, Revengians! Plenty of time for all the plotting! Try not to miss me too much!

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eleven, “Duress”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eleven, “Duress”

by Amy|on January 9, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged ABC, Nolan, recap, Revenge, television |2 Comments

Well! Welcome back, Revengaholics! I hope you had some shiny old holidays! Lots of fruitcake eaten? Lots of figgy pudding consumed? No? Ok, fine, no one eats figgy pudding, gotcha, no problem, figs weird me out anyway. But anyway, so we’re back to the Hamptons, and Emily’s totally revengey plans! Did you miss it? I did. But mostly just Nolan. And all the bitchface looks. I do so like a good bitchface look.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Eleven
“Duress”

Last time, before the holidays happened: the Whorebag was kind of making Jack suspicious because she didn’t remember enough about when they were, oh, I don’t know, SIX, because everyone remembers every minute detail of when they’re six; Victoria starts divorce proceedings against Conrad using Emily’s dad’s old lawyer dun dun dunnn; Nolan and stupid evil Tyler have a breakup; Daniel promises to help his Mommy with the divorce because he’s so tied up in her apron strings he’s about to strangle; and Nolan and Emily have a fight which is upsetting, everyone stop being mean to my Nolan.

OK. THIS WEEK. It is almost wee little unattractive Daniel’s birthday. Poor little rich-boy is all “Boo hoo Mommy’s going to want to throw a SHINDIG for me, Emily, what will I DOOOO” and Emily’s all “Have her throw a clambake, but don’t tell her it was MY idea” on the outside, but on the inside, she’s thinking, “I kind of want to shiv you, you ungrateful toolbag.” Conrad shows up and attempts to make amends with wee Daniel (by promising he’ll fire Tyler, yeah, right, not with him having the whale camera, Conrad, you jackass), and Daniel’s all “Yep, love you, Daddums!” but really he’s playing both sides of the fence, and calls his mom up right after and says “I’m on YOUR side, Mommy Dearest, don’t you EVEN WORRY. Also, I’m clambaking it this birthday see ya bye.” Victoria’s cool with the first half of that sentence and slow-burn furious about the second. Also, totally PS, but I think “clambaking” should be a euphemism.

Emily goes to Nolan’s (aw, squee) and says she looked up friendship on the interwebs (loved her long time for saying interwebs, I can tell you right now) and that when friends fight, you’re supposed to say “I’m sorry.” But she doesn’t SAY “I’m sorry.” Because she’s Emily. She and Nolan spar a bit about the Tyler situation (Nolan’s tracking him via a GPS in his phone) and the Whorebag situation (Emily’s got her on the backburner for the time being) and Nolan says that he really only ever wanted to help Emily and her dad. He reminds her, as she leaves, she never really SAID those two little words. She does. And seems to mean them. Which was nice, and I was happy. I love me some Nolan.

Conrad and Victoria and their mutual lawyers sit down for a tete-a-tete about the divorce. It’s about as entertaining as watching paint dry. But we do find out that Victoria signed a prenup, although her lawyer wants it thrown out as she was under “duress” at the time – she was pregnant. (And, BTW, all she wants is the beach house and a bunch of their art and full custody of Charlotte – I assume these are all the things that Conrad wants most, because why would she want things that wouldn’t hurt him?) Victoria, later, tells her lawyer that she wasn’t pregnant at all at the time; she was faking it, then faked a miscarriage. Are we sensing that maybe the Lady Victoria was a social climber? Hmm.

Conrad attempts to fire Tyler by calling his bluff until Tyler describes the content of the whale camera. Conrad looks like someone stole his best G.I. Joe when that news comes out. I mean, listen, I hate Tyler the most, but I do like to see Richie Riches get their comeuppances, so I’m torn.

Emily goes to Victoria for a photo so she can give wee Daniel a photo of the two of them together the day they met as his birthday gift, because it’s a clambake, and what do you give the man who has everything but a photo because it’s totally personal and won’t he just LURVE that? Victoria bitchfaces it up. As a comeback, Emily informs Victoria she’ll be inviting Whorebag to the clambake. This makes Victoria very pale, and flashback to macking on Emily’s dad, back in the day. We’re supposed to think she really did love him, right? Because that’s the vibe I get.

Emily steals the whale camera from Tyler’s shit (way to just leave your insurance around, dummy) and finds an empty pill bottle for antipsychotics. Ooh! A few creative phone calls and she finds out he’s wanted by the cops. Aah! Tyler returns once she’s snuck out, realizes the whale has returned to the ocean, and starts throwing shit around all soap-opera-y. Very exciting! Nolan tracks down Tyler’s brother, a doctor, and makes plans to fly him to the Hamptons to pick up Tyler, efficiently whisking him out of the picture. Neat as a pin, right? RIGHT. There is no WAY this can go wrong.

Then there’s lots of “everyone finding out, mostly through Emily being nefarious” that Tyler’s a looney. Victoria. Conrad. Daniel. Ashley. Daniel goes after him, because HE IS A MAN. A wee, wee man. He confronts Tyler, and Tyler – I think? this was odd – hits on him and invites him to run away to California with him. I’m sorry, Tyler, which part of HE IS NOT GAY didn’t work for you? When nothing comes of this burgeoning love affair, Tyler gets all huffy and stalks out.

Jack and Emily have a little thing on the beach where he tells her “ah, duh, I loves me some Amanda, yo, she’s what I been waitin’ for my whole liiife” and Emily gets all stompy and sad. Ugh. Seriously? None of these men are good enough for you, my revengey goddess. Well, Nolan’s close.

Emily calls Nolan and invites him to the clambake, which is cute, until he turns around and TYLER IS IN HIS HOUSE WITH THE KNIFE. Here’s my question – what happened to his bodyguards? He decided he didn’t need those anymore? Odd. Nolan thought Tyler was on his way to California, because he was tracking his cell – but Tyler, one step ahead, shipped his cell to California AHEAD OF HIM. Ooh! He hacks Nolan up a little with his knife (in my home, “YOU PIECE OF SHIT, TYLER, NO CUTTING NOLAN!” was yelled), then ties him up and heads to the clambake. Time for some clambakin’! Some murderous clambakin’!

For his birthday, Emily gives Daniel – seriously, I almost vomited – a collection of “poems that reminded her of him she’d been collecting since the day they met because he feels like hoooome to her” and the photo that Victoria found for her. He is charmed. I am nauseated.

Nolan is tied to a chair and is struggling to get free and is bleeding and groaning and where the hell is that bodyguard? Tyler’s brother shows up and frees Nolan. Welcome, deus ex machina! Nolan calls Emily to warn her, but TYLER IS THERE AND ANSWERS HER PHONE. Oh, this is NOT going to end well.

At the clambake* (*possibly a euphemism), Conrad weasels up to Bawston Declan to try to get Charlotte even more firmly on his side in the divorce. It’s vomiticious.

Victoria, never one to let her son’s girlfriend outshine her, gives wee Daniel an even BIGGER and BETTER scrapbook for a present. Emily goes in to get the cake after muttering “Very original.” Hee.

Ooh, Tyler is inside with Emily’s gun! He just wants the webcam, but she doesn’t know he knows she has it, and she pretends she doesn’t. HE IS NOT AT ALL AMUSED. Also he’s off his meds and is probably seeing pink elephants right now. Emily totally plants dead ginger Frank’s cell into Tyler’s pocket, so he’ll get framed for that murder. She’s always thinking, that one.

Tyler makes Emily bring the cake out, then makes everyone play a game at gunpoint, called, no, I’m not kidding, “Truth or Die” (gag) and waves the gun around and acts like a general buffoon and I totally wanted SOMEONE to get killed already. Hopefully Tyler, or Bawston Declan. Nolan shows up with Tyler’s brother before any questions get answered, and this distracts Tyler long enough for wee, wee Daniel to save the day with a wee, wee tackle. Huzzah!

Nolan and Ashley make friends because they were both in love with a crazy person full of crazy, so that’s adorbs.

And the ambulance-chasing lawyer tells Victoria – who, we find out, WAS poor when Conrad married her, this makes her oh-so-much-more layery, like a bitchfaced cake! – he found someone willing to fake that she WAS pregnant when she signed the prenup, and DID miscarry. Yippee! Divorce ON, biznatches!

So there’s that. I didn’t watch the preview. I don’t remember why. I think probably I was checking Twitter or some such nonsense, that’s usually the reason I’m not doing anything at any given time, to be honest.

’til next week, my little Hamptonians! Happy revenging!

Permalink to “Revenge” recap, Season 1, Episode 10, “Loyalty”

“Revenge” recap, Season 1, Episode 10, “Loyalty”

by Amy|on December 14, 2011 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged ABC, Nolan, recap, Revenge, television |Leave a comment

Welcome to another edition of Nolan is the hottest thing on television since both True Blood and Game of Thrones aren’t currently airing! (Eric and Tyrion, of course, do you even have to ask? Sheesh. Although I totally have a thing for Jaime. Not going to lie about that.)

Down to the nitty gritty! I know I’m totally late about this. It is the HOLIDAYS. I was trying to write CHRISTMAS CARDS. Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure I wrote “Have a happy and healthy 2011” in a few of those cards, which I have since sealed so I can’t check and see. So I told people to have…what…a happy and healthy last few days of this year? That’s nice. That’s helpful.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Ten
“Loyalty”

Last week, Whorebag and Jack started falling in love and Whorebag told Jack she is THE REAL AMANDA and it was all rainbows and kittens and such; Emily’s secret Japanese businessman mentor showed up in the Hamptons and he was vaguely hot in a sexy Japanese businessman way; Charlotte and Bawston Declan continued being clandestine underage lovaaaahs, Tyler douched it up by stealing Nolan’s credit card and then got caught by Ashley kissing Nolan dun dun dunnnnn; and Nolan invested a bunch of money into Grayson Global, supposedly to get back at Tyler somehow, but my gaydar is picking up it’s because he’s the saddest, loneliest panda in the whole zoo.

This week THIS WEEK.

Emily is training with the Japanese mentor? I don’t know, whatever, it’s all very odd. They are going to learn some karate (say that to yourself like Ross said it on Friends, it’s better) and also he gives her some life lessons, it’s stupid, whatever.

Victoria is cat-and-mousing with stupid, stupid Ashley. All, “hey, back to calling me MS. Grayson, what the hell, underling, oh, wait, can you get my darling baby boy to move back in? You think you can? Aw, what the hell, sparkling sunshine, call me VICTORIA.” Then she watched Ashley leave like Ashley was the last hors d’oeuvre on the platter, seriously. It was the most awesome and also a little off-putting. Stupid, stupid Ashley then runs into her stupid, stupid boy-toy Tyler, and stupidly, stupidly accepts a dinner date with him when he tells her that he is NOT BISEXUAL HE IS AMBITOUS. Oh, Ashley. I knew some “ambitious” people in college, too. They are now married to other “ambitious” people, because in New York, that’s legal, and they have adopted adorable babies. My excuse was I was 18. What’s yours? Please don’t fall for that line, ok?

Whorebag trots her whorebag self into the Stowaway and Sammy the Zombie Dog wants to eat her face because he hates strangers. BECAUSE SHE’S NOT AMANDA, JACK. Instead, Jack thinks his ancient zombie-dog has gone senile, and ignores the fact that “Amanda” also doesn’t remember her favorite food or when they first met all those years ago. Her excuse? “Trips down memory lane are SOOO PAINFULLLL JAAACKKK” although imagine that said in a Russian accent. (And why, exactly, does Jack not notice that his lady-love is now Russian? Eh, he’s Jack, he also probably wouldn’t notice if a sumo wrestler walked into the bar and started licking his cheek.)

And now for the sad-panda Nolan section, Part One. Emily and Nolan! Confront! About Tyler! Emily! Wants Nolan! To stop the investment he made into Grayson Global! But Nolan, because he thinks it is the WAY to his little gigolo’s HEART, is very waffly about it. Emily notices that Nolan has a sex tape on his laptop, so downloads and steals it. Uh-oh, Nolan. I think the love train’s about to get derailed. Emily tells teeny, tiny, wee Daniel, who looks smaller and less sexy every episode, about the sex tape at breakfast. Aw, Nolan. Love’s about to come to a screeching halt for you, my blonde Viking warrior.

Stupid midnight cowboy Tyler (he’s SO not a midnight cowboy, he’s like a 8:45pm cowboy) stops in to see Nolan and tells him they should get away somewhere together. Aw, you GUYS, the look of tentative happiness on my poor sad lonely Nolan’s face is HEARTBREAKING. I love him so much. I want to buy him a big drink from Sonic and take him for a long drive where we talk about life and shit. Alternately, I want to lick him from head to toe. I’m good either way. Let me know, Nolan.

Some weird ambulance chaser approaches Victoria about representing her in the upcoming divorce. That was random. Then Daniel tells his mom “I WANT TYLER TO MOVE OUT HE’S SHADY” but his mother’s all “NOT UNTIL YOU MOVE IN” and there’s a lot of rich-person chest-puffing and it’s silly.

Emily stops by the Stowaway and has a moment, first with Jack (“Ah-duhhh, you’re a really good person, Emily, you know that?” Gah, gag, shut up, Baby Huey) then with Sammy. Jack is getting SUSPICIOUS, yo. And if JACK is getting suspicious, any other person would pretty much see a neon sign pointing at Emily’s head saying “THIS IS THE REAL AMANDA YOU GUYSSSS.”

Emily gives the Whorebag an old diary so she can better impersonate her. I don’t know if there’s an ulterior motive here? But I was so hoping there would be blatant lies in that diary. Like, “Dear Diary, today Jack and I played doctor and I saw he totally had the same parts under his swimsuit as I do! LOLZZZ” but nothing’s come of it yet. Oh, and Daniel met the Whorebag. He does not like her. I think she probably reeks of stripper pole and tanning oil, to tell you the truth. I wouldn’t like that, either.

Oh, apparently I missed this last week, my guess is I was musing about Nolan and what pretty babies we’d make, but Bawston Declan and Charlotte are planning on getting an apartment together. Jack finds out and he’s all “um…you’re 17? So, no.” Bawston Declan DOES NOT LIKE THIS TURN OF EVENTS AT ALL. Neither does Charlotte, but they are TOTES IN LOVE, Y’ALL so it’ll all work out. Damn, those cray-cray kids. Charlotte also gets in a teen snit-fit fight with her mom and moves in with her dad.

Daniel, Japanese Businessman, and Emily go to dinner, ostensibly so Daniel can get him to invest, but really so Emily can talk in Japanese to the businessman about her plans and schemes, because she’s really going to invest her apparently inexhaustible fortune in his name. The businessman thinks Emily’s eyes are not on the prize, but instead on the tiny dancer sitting at the table with them. Emily’s all “no no no” but the businessman leaves in a very classy huff.

Daniel tells Conrad about Tyler gaying it up with Nolan. Oh, no! says Conrad! We shall not have any gays gaying it up at Grayson Global, bringing in huge commissions! He fires Tyler, but Tyler says if he thinks that’s a good idea, he will tell the world, THE WHOLE WORLD, that Conrad and Victoria framed David Clarke. Conrad looks like he swallowed a sweatsock! It is kind of awesome, I have to admit.

Having read the top-secret diary that apparently wasn’t even nefarious, Whorebag goes to Jack and they reminisce about sea-glass collecting and share a moment and it’s all very disgusting and Russian-strippery and I don’t even want to deal with it and instead want to vomit ‘til I’m sore.

Tyler confronts Nolan all “what the hell with the sex tape, bra, that’s not COOL” and throws his laptop into the ocean and tells him that he’s now going to go back to being as lonely and pathetic as he always was. NOLAN MY POOR SAD PANDA. Aw. But Tyler stole the whale camera, and on it is some evidence that he can use for blackmail purposes against the Graysons. I don’t think his life expectancy is too long, to tell you the truth, here.

Daniel decides to move back in with his poor, lonely momma. Japanese businessman comes back AGAIN and is all “EMILY YOU HAVE LOST ALL SEMBLANCE OF VENGEANCE” and then huffs off again. Dude, the huffing-off quotient this week was phenomenal. Daniel and his dad have a fight because Conrad won’t fire Tyler and won’t tell Daniel why (um…I’m a little confused why Daniel’s such a crazy-ass homophobe, to tell you the truth, who cares that your supposed best friend slept with Nolan?) and then goes home and rants and raves to his mom all “I HATE DADDY SO MUCH MOMMY SO MUCH” and it’s very childish but Victoria looks like the cat that ate the cream. Until Daniel lets it slip that AMANDA CLARKE (aka Whorebag) is back in the Hamptons. Then she ALSO looks like she swallowed a sweatsock.

Nolan goes to Emily’s and yells and yells at her all “what the efff” and “why you stealing my sex tapes yo” and “I was your friend” and “your daddy wouldn’t have liked this behavior, not at all” and she actually cries a little. So she’s not made of stone, that’s nice. But aw, Nolan. Such a lonely little eccentric millionaire, yes?

FINALLY, Emily flashes back to her father’s lawyer. Guess who he was? No, guess. NO GUESS. Yep. The ambulance-chaser. Guess he wasn’t so random after all dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn. And he refused to help her dad with an appeal. Guess who’s getting a big red X on his face next, Lawyer Larry?

HIATUS FOR THE HOLIDAYS! I hope Emily gets to eat some pumpkin pie or something, damn. She needs some pie. I’ll feed Nolan some pie, if he wants. ALL THE PIE.

‘til January, my little vengeance-driven friends!

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Nine, “Suspicion”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Nine, “Suspicion”

by Amy|on December 2, 2011 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged humor, Nolan, recap, Revenge, television |Leave a comment

Welcome back, Revengians! Totally exciting episode this week, right? Lots of Nolany goodness. Just like I like it. I’d like to be the meat in a Nolan sandwich, actually. Sorry. That’s probably not what you’re supposed to say in a recap? I don’t know. I’m not like an official recapper person. Start paying me, interweb, and I’ll totally stop with the sexual innuendo about Nolan and use terms like “Freudian” and “thematic” or something, I don’t know. But for now: I want to see how many licks it would take to get to the center of Nolan’s Tootsie Roll pop.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Nine
“Suspicion”

OK, last week, Whorebag showed up after murdering hot ginger Frank, hit on stupid Jack, who remained idiotic, and refused to leave the Hamptons because she thinks she is friends with Emily or something, I’m not sure because she’s not a very good actress. Also, Emily was rude to Nolan (grrr), Lydia is recuperating at Victoria’s house and regaining her memory, Charlotte and Bawston Declan are making noise about maybe getting it on someday even though they don’t seem old enough to have developed hormones yet, Tyler and Ashley are being poor and schemey, and Daniel moved in with Emily. Whoo! This show is FAST-PACED, you guys!

OK. THIS WEEK. Whorebag is BACK AT JACK’S and he’s all “ah-duhhhh, wanna come on my boat mystery woman?” Also, sometimes she has a Russian accent? I’m confused about the Whorebag. So she spends pretty much the entire effing episode all lathered up in suntan oil in a bikini on Jack’s boat. Yeah. That’s totally fun for no one. Well, Jack seems to dig it. But Jack also probably thinks that Hagar the Horrible is the funniest cartoon in the paper. Both Nolan and Emily try to convince the Whorebag it’s time to set sail (no pun intended since she spent the entire ep on a boat), but the Whorebag’s all “nuh-uh, no way, I LIKE IT HERE BIZ-NATCHES” and she’s staying put. She likes stupid ol’ Jack and his stupid ol’ face, I guess. Whatevs.

Randomly, Emily places this top-secret phone call, all “I NEED YOU NOW” and a very handsome Japanese businessman shows up and gives her some thinly veiled advice about revenge. It was confusing. I don’t know why Emily has all these weird minions.

Victoria’s totally roofie-ing Lydia into submission, only Lydia’s smartly cheeking the pills and getting kind of tired of being a flower in the attic. Conrad finally sacks up and steals away with Lydia in the dead of night. That was awesome, because I love when people cross Victoria. She gets a VERY exciting bitchface on. It’s totally soap-opera. LOVE.

Victoria decides that she doesn’t want her daughter seeing Bawston Declan (and listen, that’s a good call, if he’ll pretend he’s from Boston, what else will be pretend) so she goes to the Stowaway and she tries to buy him off. He is only wearing a towel. IT IS THE WORST. Because I think we’re supposed to be thinking of him as a sexual being? And he looks TEN, you guys. He’s PREPUBESCENT. Am I too old for this show? Anyway, Bawston Declan and Charlotte totally continue to see each other on the sly. LISTEN DECLAN AND CHARLOTTE. That seems hot? It totally does? But in the long run, you’re going to look back on this and headdesk. You really are. TRUST ME YOU GUYS. I’ve been there. I had a Bawston Declan. He ALSO seemed dangerous and awesome and my parents were all no no no. Guess what? THEY WERE RIGHT. Run AWAY, Charlotte.

Tyler steals Nolan’s credit card during one of their trysts (even typing that makes me throw up in my mouth a little – not because of the gayness, because NOLAN IS TOO GOOD FOR TYLER) and buys himself all the swanky clothes and also buys Ashley a pretty dress. This makes Nolan alternately sad and angry. Nolan confronts Tyler, and Tyler kind of apologizes and also tries to sleaze up on Nolan (ugh, GET OFF TYLER YOU GROSS THING) and then tries to get Nolan to invest in something over at Grayson Global so he can look like a big man with Conrad. THEN Nolan leaves him ALONE (aw, NOLAN! You’re letting your penis think for you!) and Tyler steals that speech that Lydia wrote outing the Graysons for all their wrongdoings. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. When Nolan tells Emily, she is PISSED. What a bitchface gets made! And she’s totally all “I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET A CHILD DO A WOMAN’S JOB NOLANNNNN” and that’s upsetting. Leave poor Nolan alone.

Oh, and also there’s a stupid beach volleyball game that I think we’re supposed to think is hot and we’re supposed to be all “la la LOOK AT DANIEL’S HOT ABS” but he’s so effing SHORT! Whatever. Where’s Nolan.

Then, THEN OH THIS IS THE BEST, at the investment party, Nolan goes to invest so he can get the speech back, and then tricks Tyler into kissing him. (Which, let’s face it, was totally hot. I pretended Tyler wasn’t there, which made it hotter.) GUESS WHO WALKED IN ON THE KISSING YO! Yep. Ashley! So she’s all “Whaaaaa? I am SHOCKED SHOCKED” and ran out and Tyler’s all “oh, no, no, baby, come back, I’m ALL THINGS to ALL PEOPLE, I DO what I have to DO” but she’s having NONE of it. And throughout, Nolan just stands there with a little smirk. I LOVE NOLAN. Here. I will give you a photo because that moment deserves it.

Anyway, finally Tyler kind of gets through to stupid, soft-headed Ashley, and she goes home and talks to Victoria and rats out Emily to her a little, and they are FRIENDS now. This can’t be good.

ALSO, and this is the WORST, Whorebag and Durrr Jack were on the boat and Whorebag’s all, “I know you, Jack, because I AM AMANDA” and they had this tearful kiss and she’s all “I WANTED TO COME HOME TO YOU MY LOOOOVE” and then he traipsed her to Emily’s all, “Hey my new ladylove wants to see the house she used to live in, ah-durrrr, so that’s cool, right, Emily who I loved 14 seconds ago, duhhhhh?” EMILY DID NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.

This is all very exciting. VERY EXCITING YOU GUYS. I don’t remember what was on the previews. I think I got distracted by something. Probably Emily’s bitchface. Or Nolan’s total hotness. I’m not quite sure.

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eight, “Treachery”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eight, “Treachery”

by Amy|on November 22, 2011 |in Humor, Pop Culture, Television |tagged ABC, humor, Nolan, recap, Revenge, television |Leave a comment

So, on top of recapping The Office, which I think we can all agree I do admirably (WE AGREE SHUT UP) I am ALSO recapping Revenge. Why? Because it is AWESOMESAUCE.

Yes, yes. It’s mid-season. So you kind of have to come into this with prior knowledge. But if you’re not watching this, you’re missing out. It’s soapsuddy heaven, this show. So much scenery-chewing! So many bitchface looks! So much schemery! And…NOLAN.

Listen. LISTEN. I am in love with Gabriel Mann as Nolan in this show. Which is SO ODD. Because he is kind of exactly the opposite of everything I am usually attracted to, at least physically, in an actor. Too skinny! Too (or at all, because usually, no thanks!) blonde! The only explanation I have, I think, is that he’s like a marginalized lonely nerd and my heart hurts for him. And he’s bi, which I have a weird soft spot for. I don’t know. Leave my love for Nolan alone.

So here, I’ll slightly catch you up, in case you’re not caught up. But catch YOURSELF up. This show is cuckoo-bananas, and also fun and awesome.

Amanda and her father summered in the Hamptons when she was a young’un. He was some sort of a fancy rich guy. I could research what kind but I’m feeling lazy. Do a little legwork, yahoos. All of a sudden for some reason all the other rich people framed him for terrorism and he went to prison for life and Amanda was sent to a juvenile detention home until she came of age. When she was released, Nolan met her outside. Her father gave Nolan startup money to start his computer business, and Nolan is a super-rich guy now, and very loyal to Amanda since her daddy was the only one who believed in him. Aw. He informs her that her daddy died in prison (cue the “Coward of the County”) and that she is now mega-rich. He gives her a box in which her daddy put all kinds of info proving his innocence. Suddenly! A few years later, Amanda shows up in the Hamptons! Only her name is EMILY now. And she is ready, willing, and bitch-facedly able to take down each and every one of the people who framed dear old dad.

SO! Without further ado! Also, listen, I am totally not recapping this like I should. If you want a real recap, there are a million places that will do that for you. I’m just going to ramble. So probably I shouldn’t call this a recap? I know. Sorry. Bait & switch.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Eight
“Treachery”

So last week, we found out that Emily stole her identity from a girl in juvie, the REAL Emily Thorne. Who is now going by the name Amanda, because they pulled a switcheroonie. I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY CONFUSING. It’s not if you watch it, but it is if you try to type it out. So let’s call the Emily the show’s about Emily, and the one she stole her identity from Whorebag, because that’s what she is. BECAUSE SHE IS NOT AT ALL CHARMED BY NOLAN.

So Whorebag shows up at Emily’s, because she murdered Frank, who had tracked her down. I’m not going to explain who all of these people are to you. It is TOO MUCH EXPLAINING.

Frank is a detective sort of person. ANYWAY. I was so pissed they killed Frank? Because Frank was totally my secret boyfriend. Ginger! He was a badass ginger! I mean, he wasn’t NOLAN (whenever I say Nolan I feel like the name should have little stars around it or something) but he was pretty eye candy. Wait, let’s stalk that actor. OK, he’s Maximilian Martini (aw, that couldn’t be cuter!) and he’s only FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME YO, and he’s from WOODSTOCK. I’m pretty sure we’re destined to be. Oh, shit, married. Whatever, back to Nolan. ANYWAY.

So Emily is OBVS totally all “what the eff?” about the Whorebag showing up because Emily is very DIY and doesn’t need any help ever except when she needs all the help. So of COURSE she goes to Nolan’s and is all curtly “here take care of this whorebag and also photoshop me out of this very incriminating photo that can prove I am not who I say I am DO IT NOW NOLAN. No you don’t need to know who she is.” Why does Nolan put up with this garbage? It’s off-putting. NOLAN! When you and I fall in love I will not talk to you like you are a big bag of stupid. I promise.

Lydia is awake after she fell off the top of like a fifty floor building, you know, like you are, without a single bruise, so of COURSE Victoria and Conrad have her recuperate and regain her memory at their house. OF COURSE THEY DO. I mean, yes, yes, you want someone who has lost their memory and thinks you tried to have them killed and might REGAIN their memory and then implicate you in ALL the crimes close, probably, but it just seemed very stupid and also annoying.

Charlotte spent the night at the Stowaway. And Declan, with his stupid marble-mouthed BAWWWWSTON accent, you know, like you have in the Hamptons, implies that they did the deed. Then he flat out says they didn’t. Way to commit, Declan. Also, at this point I was all, “HOW OLD ARE THESE CHILDREN I FEEL LIKE THIS IS TOTALLY PERVY” until Declan’s all, “We-ah seventeen, Jaaaaack” like he’s a longshoreman with that effing horrendous accent, is he ADOPTED, his BROTHER and FATHER don’t talk like that, also, he doesn’t talk like that on Gossip Girl so I know it’s not the actor, what the HELL, and then I thought, ok, well, I guess seventeen’s kind of normal for your spring awakening and all, but these kids look like they’re twelve and I AM SO OLD. So Declan wants to borrow the boat so he can raid Charlotte, Tea-Party style, the next night. Since Jack had a fight with Nolan, he’s all, “Duh, I dunno, Declan old buddy old chum” but says he’ll talk to Nolan and see if he can borrow the boat for all the sexy pre-adolescent lovemaking. *shudder*

Effing Tyler and effing Ashley are all “we are SO DIGRUNTLED because we are SO POOR” so I think they’re hatching some sort of plan to get the better of the richie-riches. Unfortunately, Emily is one of them now, and her BFF forevs Ashley is hating on her due to getting the hot beef injection of stupidity from effing Tyler.

Jack goes over to Nolan’s house (squee!) but Nolan isn’t home (ugh, un-squee) and the Whorebag is there. The Whorebag remembers Jack from all the talking about him Emily did at juvie, so she’s all slutting it up around him in her borrowed Nolan-bikini (seriously, he had a room of guest-bikinis. I LOVE NOLAN. He’s planned for every eventuality) and Jack’s all “I…uh…ah-duh…I feel a connection with you.” She won’t tell him her name, but DUDE when he finds out it’s Amanda, and he thinks it’s HIS Amanda that he named his stupid boat after he’s totally going to give her his flower. He doesn’t get the boat, so Declan has to try to get it on in the back room of the bar, but Charlotte just wants to talk. Yep. Nice, Charlotte. All seventeen-year-old boys want to talk about how your family’s going through transition. Winner: Charlotte’s virtue! Except she gave that away to that rich douchebag earlier in the season! So…loser: Bawston Declan!

Emily gets SO MAD OMG that Whorebag is sniffing up Jack’s butt so she gets her a new identity and tries to send her to Paris, but Whorebag for some reason starts peeping in windows, sees Emily grinding up on Daniel, and this upsets her enough that she decides to stay. I’m not sure if it’s because she wants to be the one grinding on Emily, or because she wants Emily’s life, or because she wants Jack, or because she wants more free Nolan-bikinis. The actress playing the Whorebag isn’t very emotive. Also, we see a scene where the warden from juvie gives baby Emily advice on how to become friends with baby Whorebag to use her for whatever she needs her for, then get rid of her when she’s done with her. That juvie-warden was NEFARIOUS. I want to know why she took such an interest in baby Emily.

Nolan (who has this whole, “YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT I AM NOT A STUPID PERSON!” speech that had me howling) figures out that the Whorebag killed Frank. How? Frank’s wallet FALLS OUT OF THE WHOREBAG’S PANTS. Yeah. Nice one, Whorebag. So he’s more in the know. Yet still all, “Yes, Emily, whatever you say, Emily.” I’m glad we saw him in the flash-forward in the first episode, because if we hadn’t, I’d think Emily would have him killed because he knows too much.

Victoria sends the cops to Emily’s on the suspicion that Emily is a dirty liar that lies, but, as she IS a dirty liar that lies, she spins a tale that has the cops all “Aw poor thing” and Daniel too, so now everyone thinks she’s a childhood abuse victim. Daniel cuts ties with Victoria and moves in with Emily. So my question is, IS Emily getting feelings for this poor stupid drunken sap? Or it’s all part of the game? I don’t know that I could continue to screw someone I hated that much, honestly. Just go lick Nolan, or something. He’s far superior. Sheesh. Anyway, I assume WE’RE to assume that Emily’s just using Daniel like she’s using the Whorebag, but I don’t know. I think we’re also supposed to think that Daniel and Jack are hotties. I do not think so. I think Daniel’s too short and Jack seems stupid. And that Declan seems prepubescent. Thank you, casting directors, for Nolan.

So there. That’s recappy, right? And if you’re a regular watcher, you’re all, yes yes yes, Amy! Best recap! And if you’re NOT, you’re all, I WANT TO WATCH THIS NOW AMY. I know. I KNOW. I’m amazing like that. If I told you to jump off a bridge, you might. I won’t, though. I like you too much.

Next time – EMILY TOTALLY MAKES THE BIGGEST BITCHFACE YET! You don’t want to miss that. It’ll be the bomb, yo.