Howdy, Revengians! This was totally a week to be reckoned with, no joke. I can’t even. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED. I know, right? Are you totally knocked for a loop? Thought so. I wasn’t, bee tee dubs. I totally saw this all coming. Sort of. That’s because I was meant to be a rich person. IN MY BLOOD. I’m pretty sure I was switched at birth with a rich person, so any day now, my real parents are going to show up all “here is your inheritance” and then I’ll take you all out for scallops or something.
Revenge
Season One, Episode Twelve
“Infamy”
Last time: wee little Daniel had a wee little birthday only he was all “wah wah I don’t want a FUSS” so he had a clambake which may or may not have been a euphemism for something filthy, I’m still not sure. At the clambake, Tyler showed up and tried to shoot people with a gun with no bullets in it until he was tackled by wee Daniel my hero ooh ahh. We found out Victoria was a social climbing liar, and Tyler cut my boyfriend Nolan with a knife (UNACCEPTABLE.) Tyler’s out of the picture and has been framed for Ginger Frank’s murder, so all is well in Revengtonia.
OK. THIS WEEK. Emily’s reading a book about her father’s case that totally looks like one of those horrible gossipy things you see for sale in the remainder bin three days after they’re published. Wee Daniel comes in all “let’s move to the City together after the summer’s over, baby darlin’ dear” and she’s all “Oh, but I am an old-fashioned maiden and could NEVER until I am MARRIED live with a FELLA” and that’s the dumbest excuse but his brain is as small as his body so he’s down with it.
The author of the book – played by Roger Bart, also known as Bree’s weirdo dentist ex on Desperate Housewives and one of the gay men on that awful reboot of The Stepford Wives with Nicole Kidman and also he’s a Broadway stahhhh, baby – is giving a reading in the Hamptons which Emily and Nolan and all the town are attending because what else are they going to do, I guess, it’s not like they could…oh, I don’t know…DO ANYTHING THEY WANT THEY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO OWN THE WORLD. Afterward, Emily drops the bomb she lives in his subject’s old HOME, dun dun dunn, and also prods Nolan to introduce himself. Gossipwriter is SO EXCITED because he wants to write the story of hot Nolan. I thought also he wanted to lick hot Nolan, but I’m reading up on this and I’m the only one who got any gay subtext here. So probably there’s a gay man in me trying to get out. I’m ok with that.
Whorebag wants Jack to close the bar and take her to Atlantic City (whenever I hear the words Atlantic City I get music from the show Ragtime in my head, which is another sign there’s a gay man in me trying to get out, I suppose.) Jack’s all “ah, DUHHHHH, Amanduhhhh, I can’t do that, I gots a job I gots to do” and she’s all “YOU’D DO IT FOR EMILY THORNE HUFFFF!” I love the Whorebag more every week, if by “love” you mean “want to throw her off the pier after being sure the water is stocked thoroughly with sharks.”
Victoria tells Gossipwriter he needs to find out why Whorebag is back in the Hamptons. He’s all, “What? NO. That is INAPPROPRIATE!” and she’s all, “I MADE YOU I CAN BREAK YOU” and he’s all “Yep, sorry, Lady Victoria. Right on that.”
Emily watches an old interview clip of her father and Gossipwriter, where Gossipwriter pretended to be her father’s friend so that he could BETRAY him. Well! I’m guessing none of this ends well for you, Gossipwriter. Just guessing. I mean, Emily’s enemies have gotten off so lightly until now.
Gossipwriter visits Whorebag to talk to her about the past. Whorebag, who does not HAVE that past, has no idea who he is or what he is talking about.
Victoria meets her ambulance-chasing lawyer, who tells her that now that they have the prenup situation ironed out with lies, Conrad is attempting to get her shares in the company taken away from her. BUT, if wee Daniel talks to his pops, maybe HE can get HIS shares sooner! This is a very good idea and not at all destined to fail.
Bawston Declan and Charlotte are coming back from visiting her prep school. Why Bawston Declan went with her as if they are an adult couple is as-yet unknown. He’s being a child and all “WAH WAH YOU WON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME” and she’s all, “Um, I can attend school and also date you?” but he’s not having it. Charlotte? Probably you can do better. Just a tip from me to you.
When wee Daniel tells his daddy he wants his share in the company, his daddy turns around and puts a stipulation in the will he has to be thirty or married to get it. This is one kick-ass trusting awesome family, you guys. Conrad’s lawyer’s all, “Um…he’s in a serious relationship, he might marry Emily?” (even though they’ve known each other, what, a month now? 6 weeks?) and Conrad gets schemey-eyes over this. Hmm.
Emily and Nolan visit Gossipwriter, who VERY INTELLIGENTLY tells them, in a span of like thirty seconds, he a., doesn’t have a computer, so no backup of any of his stuff, only the one hard copy; b., has a glass case full of never-before-seen info on Emily’s dad, c., is a pretentious asshole. I made that last one up. But he name-dropped John Cheever, so it was totally justified.
Whorebag’s whoring it up at the Stowaway, doing bodyshots and making out with the customers and shit. Emily shows up. This upsets the Whorebag. Who totally has feelings underneath all those STDs. Emily convinces the Whorebag to do the interview with Gossipwriter while she’s Cyrano de Bergeracing in her ear. Whorebag! You are whorey AND easily-led!
Nolan and Emily are at the shooting range and Nolan is bad at it because he is a fey adorable gay man and Emily rocks at it because she is kickass. She explains that Gossipwriter lied to her as a child, and made her believe her father was a criminal, so she’s going to GET HER REVENGE on him. I like that they tied the TITLE OF THE SHOW into what’s happening today.
Conrad attempts to whore wee Daniel out to a woman he thinks is more suitable than Emily. Which is confusing, I never knew he disliked Emily, but whatever, doesn’t matter, wee Daniel’s wee manhood only stands at attention for Emily, anyway.
Charlotte finds Declan asleep with a copy of Paradise Lost, which I assume is a concession to stay relevant to her at prep school. She kisses him, tucks him in, and makes a shitload of noise. He doesn’t wake. At this point, I yelled at the television, “Charlotte! I think he might have been poisoned! Call 911! There’s no way he slept through that!” but she didn’t answer me.
Emily and Nolan Cyrano Whorebag up. She goes through an interview with Gossipwriter. It’s surprisingly bland, but seems to make him feel bad that he ruined her life. So, good, I guess. I was hoping for more fireworks, though.
Victoria makes Ashley tell Emily that Daniel has to marry her in order to get the company, so if he were to ask her to marry him right now, IT CERTAINLY WOULDN’T BE OUT OF LOVE NO NO NO.
Gossipwriter tells Victoria he wants to tell THE TRUTH. Victoria’s all “I WILL BURY YOU.” Emily hears it all. DUN DUN DUNNNN. But he doesn’t come clean at the reading, so Emily’s got to do some revengin’. I mean, it can’t be avoided now. Nolan totally has a hissy fit that Gossipwriter didn’t come clean, but Emily didn’t think he would. She tells Nolan to keep him away from his place for a bit. Because she has revengin’ to do, baby. ALL THE REVENGIN’. Gossipwriter and Nolan take off, Emily skulks into his house, and skullduggery ensues. She steals the videos, burns down the place with the Whorebag’s cigarettes and lighter, and takes the eff off into the night like a ninja. She then goes to wee Daniel’s for all the sex, to establish her alibi. Ah, her Japanese mentor taught her well, grasshopper.
Ah-duhhhhh Jack decides he’s too stodgy, closes down The Stowaway, and takes Whorebag to Atlantic City. (“Sea and salty AIIIRRRRRR!” Sorry. Ragtime. Sorry.)
When Gossipwriter and Nolan come back, Gossipwriter totally soap-operas a “nooooo!” when he sees his place in flames. Nolan sexily sexes a “bad girl.” I can be bad, too, Nolan. Want to see?
The next morning, Emily’s watching an interview Gossipwriter did with her dad. In it, her dad reveals that CHARLOTTE IS HIS. Yep! Emily’s got a SISTER!
OK, here’s the thing. I knew something like this was going to happen? But I thought maybe Victoria would be Emily’s mom. Who IS Emily’s mom, by the way? Has she ever been mentioned? What’s going on with that? There aren’t any women, other than Victoria or maybe that friend of hers who did the swandive off the roof a while ago, who are old enough to BE her mom, so the big reveal’s not going to be all that stunning. WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I actually watched the preview, but all I remember is Emily hugging Charlotte. Which could mean a lot of things, not only that she reveals her true parentage and her true identity. DON’T USE YOUR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS MAT YOU GUYS.
Happy week! Remember, always keep your powder dry and your revenge revengey!
