Category Archives: Pop Culture

Permalink to I’d buy you some art (A Picasso or a Garfunkel)

I’d buy you some art (A Picasso or a Garfunkel)

by Amy|on April 15, 2012 |in Media, Music, Pop Culture |tagged , , , , , , , , , , , |Leave a comment

Howdy, Losers!

I know. I’ve been woefully absent. I proffer my most abject apologies.

I work at a tax firm, you see, and this is the time of year where things are a little cuckoo-bananas. OK, sorry, that’s an understatement. If my regular life is cuckoo-bananas, this time of year is INSANE BANANA-CRACKERS.

Once things go back to normal, I promise: more regular posting. And maybe even we’ll get back to the Office/Revenge recaps, although Revenge seems to randomly have gone AWOL. I don’t know what the hell happened there. I miss Nolan like craziness.

But today, because I’m really needing it (and maybe you are too, I don’t know your lives, and maybe I don’t want to, they might be scary) let’s talk about something happy for a bit. For cheery purposes. To make things a little brighter.

I had to work yesterday. It was bad. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. It was REALLY bad. Without saying something that could get me fired if one of the more internet-savvy of my coworkers decided to look into my extracurriculars, a certain coworker almost got punched in the nose by yours truly. (SIDE NOTE: did you ever notice that if someone annoys you, I mean REALLY annoys you, EVERYTHING they does annoys you? This person – oh, let’s call him Buddy – is SO ANNOYING that even the pronunciation of certain WORDS annoys me. “Priority.” He says that one a lot. “This is a priority. Is that a priority? Because what I have here, this one’s a priority.” Only he says it like “pri-urr-dy.” IT MAKES ME STABBILICIOUS. Also? April 17th is the deadline for all the taxes. EVERY DAMN THING ON MY DESK IS A STINKING PRI-URR-DY, BUDDY.)

Anyway, so I was not in the best of moods when I was driving home. Even though I have the entire day off today, and that SHOULD have put me in a good mood, just the IDEA of a whole day off. But Buddy and his stinking pri-urr-dies made me crabby.

Then a totally happy song I hadn’t heard in years came on the radio and I squealed like a child seeing Mickey Mouse at Disney for the first time and it went a long way toward fixing things.

So I was thinking: there are certain songs that, no matter when they come on the radio, no matter what kind of mood I’m in, I will immediate cheer up. Songs that transport me back to a happier time, that are so cheery and so fun and so boppy that I can’t help but grin and sing along. And I thought, hey, the internet might want some cheer. Let’s share some of those with the internet. Because I love you, internet. I truly do. Now, it bears note that I usually opt for sad, moody songs. Like, currently, my two songs that I am obsessed with and can’t stop listening to are The Civil Wars’ “Poison and Wine” and Gotye and Kimbra’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” And yes, those make me happy, too. But melancholy. I’m talking about the kind of songs that make you unabashedly happy. Like, bopping around in your car, singing to the top of your lungs, grinning like a moron happy.

So, without further ado:

FIVE SONGS THAT IMMEDIATE TURN MY STABBINESS INTO CHEERFULNESS (BARRING THAT, AT LEAST A LITTLE LESS STABBY – SOMETIMES, THAT’S BETTER THAN NOTHING)

If I Had $1,000,000 – Barenaked Ladies

I grew up right on the Canadian border. Our radio stations were all out of Canada. I remember the first time this came on the radio. I laughed SO HARD. It was catchy and it was fun and it was just so damn ADORABLE. You could just not get into this song. You could hear the smiles on the face of the band as they sang it. Even my DAD loved this song. And he knew how much I loved it. He used to tell me if he had a million dollars, he would buy me a green dress, but not a real green dress. That’s cruel. This was the song on the radio yesterday. It cheered me immensely.

(I know this video is le suck, but there’s no real music video, and the live versions had weird improved lyrics. I wanted you to all hear the version I grew up with. “Dijon ketchup! Mmmm.”)

Ob La Di, Ob La Da – The Beatles

Oh, like you haven’t heard this a million times. But come on, can you listen to this grumpy? No. No, you cannot. There are a lot of Beatles songs that make me grin, though. This was a tough call. I went with this one because of the laughing, and the clapping. But I also love “Baby, You’re a Rich Man” and “Rocky Raccoon” and “When I’m 64″ (although that one makes me a little sad) and “Yellow Submarine.” But this one just makes me smile. They sound so happy and like they’re having so much fun, don’t they? Also, I like the “life goes on” line. Because it does. It totally does. And we all need to be reminded of that sometimes, don’t we?

A Boy Named Sue – Johnny Cash

I hear this come on the radio and I honestly clap. I know! I clap! Like a goon! Here’s something funny that will make you shake your head: the first time I heard this song was about ten years ago. I KNOW WHAT THE HELL. I was driving across the country, moving here to where I live now, and I listened to a LOT of music on that trip. And one of the CDs I’d gotten from the used CD store was a best-of Johnny Cash CD. And this was on there. I’d never heard it before. I know, I don’t know how that’s possible, either. My parents liked Johnny Cash a lot, growing up. I’m thinking because it has a cuss in it, they didn’t let me listen to this particular song? Anyway, I laughed SO HARD. I played it OVER AND OVER. Then I found out later it was written by Shel Silverstein, who was one of my childhood gods, and that made a lot of sense. Also, I love Johnny Cash. He will always hold a special place in my heart. When the line “My name is SUE! How do you DO! Now you’re gonna DIE!” comes on, I yell it out. Really loud. I have no shame in that admission.

Istanbul (Not Constantinople) – They Might be Giants

When I was seventeen, a friend mentioned They Might be Giants to me. I’d never heard of them. He was HORRIFIED and immediately went home and made me a tape of their album Flood. I have never so enjoyed an album someone introduced me to, I don’t think. I listened to that tape over and over. I lost it, eventually. In Europe, actually, when I was traveling. I was heartbroken. It had Flood on one side and I think maybe The Eagles on the other side? Maybe not. I’m foggy on what was on the other side. I listened to mostly Flood anyway. I have, of course, since bought the CD, and a number of other TMBG CDs. And – AND! – seen TMBG live! One of the best concert experiences of my life. It was like I could see little teenage Amy standing beside adult Amy as they were playing. (Side note – it was VERY HARD to choose a single TMBG song that makes me happy. I also love “Birdhouse in Your Soul” and “Your Racist Friend” and “New York City” and “Particle Man” and, hell, well, most everything they do. They are my “I need to be cheered up STAT” band. They never fail.)

Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield

Ooh, check out Rick’s hair in that video. That’s a lot of feathering, Rick. Also, WHOA CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS. No, not Nathan Fillion. ACTUAL tight pants. WAY tight.

I know, this one seems like an odd choice. It’s kind of not even a happy song. It’s about a guy who is longing after his best friend’s girl. But this song makes me IRRATIONALLY HAPPY. And do you know why?

Because Rick Springfield sings the world’s best line ever used in a song in the history of the world.

“I want to tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot.”

The use of the word “moot” in a song makes me so happy every time this song comes on I can’t even contain myself. My old roommate and I used to get SO EXCITED when this came on. We’d be totally quiet and just seat-boppy until THAT LINE. Then, when THAT LINE came on, we’d sing it SO LOUD. “I WANT TO TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER BUT THE POINT IS PROBABLY ***MOOT***!!!!”

I mean, you’ve all heard of a moot point (or, as Joey from Friends would put it, a “moo” point, “yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”) But Rick Springfield turned it AROUND. “The point is probably moot.” In order to make it rhyme with cute. This makes me irrationally happy for really no good reason. I think I just like the word moot. I have a thing for words with double vowels in them.

There. Now you have five songs that, hopefully, will make you just so happy you can’t be in a stompy-stomp mood. So save this post, and the next time life shits all over you, pull it up and listen to some happy music. I mean, you might still be STABBY, but maybe you won’t ACT on it. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Right. Otherwise, my point is probably moot.

 

 

 

 

Permalink to “The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 13, “Jury Duty”

“The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 13, “Jury Duty”

by Amy|on February 6, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , , |Leave a comment

Howdy, all! Your weekly Office recap. NUMBER SEVEN I KNOW RIGHT. I totally rock this. Now, this week was about jury duty, and that made me sad immediately, because listen, I would kill at jury duty but I never, ever get called for it. A., I’m judgmental, B., I like to listen to things, C., I like to get out of work, D. I like to feel like I’m important, E. I like true like crime, F. I like to argue. It’s like jury duty was MADE for me. So a whole episode about jury duty just made me think about what I’m missing. NEW YORK STATE. You are missing out on the best juror that possibly ever jurored, here. TAKE ME UP ON THIS.

The Office
Season 8, Episode 13
“Jury Duty”

In brief: Jim just got back from a week at jury duty, but we find out that he actually was dismissed halfway through the first day and spent the rest of the week helping Pam at home with the kids. Dwight smells a rat, and ferrets out the truth (there are a lot of animal metaphors in there, awesome) and Andy says if Jim is a liar, he’ll fire him, but then he backs down. Of course he does. He’s Andy. The whole office is furious at lying Jim until Pam brings the kids to the office and they act like kids, with screaming and such, and they all send Jim home early because they are horrified at the screamery. Angela had her baby with the gay Senator a month early, so Gabe, Erin, Kevin and Oscar go to the hospital to visit her. Only, the baby is HUGE. And not at all a preemie. And she tells Oscar that she and the gay Senator had sex a month before the wedding. When Dwight shows up (to talk to Gabe about getting Jim fired, before the screamery occurs) and Oscar spills the beans about the non-preemie status, he puts two and two together and gets “Angela and I totally screwed a month before her wedding.” He storms the hospital room and peers at the baby, who he is convinced is a Schrute. This makes him put a daddy and me bumper sticker on his car. THIS WILL NOT GO WELL YOU GUYS.

Times I laughed out loud in this episode: 10

1. Kevin having the “right month, wrong year” in the Angela’s-baby birth pool
2. Kevin thinking it would be hysterical if Angela’s baby was born black
3. Kevin’s inappropriate response to how fat Angela’s baby is (“You didn’t prepare me for this, Oscar!”)
4. Oscar’s glee in Angela’s baby being not premature and the Senator being gay (“I don’t even know which thread to follow!”)
5. Dwight seeing his baby for the first time (“You will lead millions! Willingly, or as slaves.”)
6. Dwight’s comment about being the father of Angela’s baby: “That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.” (Someone “teaching Mose sex” made me both squirm AND giggle gleefully.)
7. The Senator’s obvious discomfort with breastfeeding
8. Creed thinking Pam was Angela
9. Creed desperate to have baby Philip suck on his finger, and Pam quickly putting the pacifier in his mouth instead
10. Dwight telling the nurse to cancel the circumcision and the nurse saying “We’re…still going to circumcise the baby”

Times I wanted to punch someone: 2

1. Andy, for being SO EFFING BAD AND ANNOYING AT LYING
2. Andy, for saying no one every lied to him before (um, you were engaged? To Angela? Who was sleeping with Dwight at the time? No? Not ringing any bells?)

I kind of liked this episode a lot. As you can tell by how many times it made me laugh. The jury duty thing was not the best (possibly because of my jury duty bitterness, WHY NOT ME COURT SYSTEM), but Dwight being a dad – awesome. I do hope that the show doesn’t forget this all happened. The show has been doing that a lot lately, introducing awesome plotlines and just dropping them completely, which is annoying. What happened, for example, to the horrible social network Ryan invented? Or Dwight’s relationship with Pam’s friend from the wedding? Or the temp’s crush on Jim last week, if we want to be more recent? But if they keep up with it, I think this could be awesome. I always did like Angela and Dwight together.

“Jury Duty,” on the Creed Scale, gets:

Creed flying his roof-helicopter! Good job, guys. “Teaching Mose sex” gets a total thumbs-up.

And on a scale of one to ten Creeds, this episode gets:

Creed smoking a damn HOOKAH. Because that’s how Creed rolls.

Nice job, Office writers! I approve! (Notice there was NO Robert Effing California in this episode? KEEP THAT UP THANKS.)

Permalink to 2012: The Year of the Water Dragon. AND POSSIBLY THE APOCALYPSE!

2012: The Year of the Water Dragon. AND POSSIBLY THE APOCALYPSE!

by Amy|on January 24, 2012 |in Geekery, Humor, Pop Culture |tagged , , , , |Leave a comment

I figured since it’s now the Year of the Dragon, we’d better all figure out what that means to us. I mean, we can’t take these things lightly. DRAGONS, you guys. I mean seriously. DRAGONS. Also, the Mayan apocalypse, so probably we need to be doubly prepared, right? Right.

This is totally scientific and all true. WATCH OUT.

I mean, look at that map. HERE BE DRAGONS. You have to take this seriously or your boat’s totally going to be capsized and eaten.

Now, according to this website, which seems totally legit and on the up-and-up and the article was written by someone named “the Firepig” which, come ON, you can’t GET more sciency than that, here are some things that we have to look forward to this year:

Good things will start happening early in the year. BE READY. I’m totally not ready. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO START BEING READY. I’m kind of freaked out. Like, how good? Finding a quarter in the laundry room good, or someone will come up to me at the supermarket and tell me they want to hire me to run a small theater company in Italy good? AND AM I READY? Dragon, you are totally making me nervous. I don’t even know how to prepare for this.

Fireworks in love and romance, but nothing serious, as the dragon is fleeting. Even though just two sentences above that it says it’s a good year for engagements or marriages. WHAT THE HELL FIREPIG. So I’m supposed to have fireworks, then I’m supposed to have, what, a breakup? This isn’t sounding like a lot of fun. Breakups are totally the suck. I hate breakups, what with the sadness and the moping and all that sad music you’re supposed to listen to and whatnot. I don’t want that, Dragon. Can I just not have the romance, if it’s inevitably going to lead to the breakup? Can I opt out? Is that an option for me? Hello?

The economy will start to boom and creativity will thrive. Ooh! This is exciting. I like booms and thrivings. Wait, I already got my yearly raise. If the economy starts to boom I’m going to be left behind. Also, I don’t think I could deal with much more creativity. I’m already totally swamped. I’m a busy lady. If I had any more creativity, I think my head would explode. DRAGON! Why must you overload me with things? You are EXHAUSTING me.

At the end, it asks, “Are you ready to fly with the Dragon?!” and although I totally appreciate the interrobang, because you never get enough good interrobangs, really, I don’t think I’m ready to fly with the dragon. Unless it’s Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. I loved that dragon. So cute, right? I totally wanted to snuggle him. I’d fly on that dragon. But otherwise, I think flying on a dragon would be really stressful. I mean, you might fall off, and then your ears would pop from the changes in air pressure with all those ups and downs, and what if the dragon decided to dive underwater or something and forgot you were on his back, you’d totally drown. And what if the dragon was that creepy-ass Luck Dragon from The Neverending Story? I hated that thing, it was like a furry worm-dog. It looked like it would give you ringworm, and shed all over your pants. NO THANK YOU.

Ugh. Like disgusting vermin, this thing. No thanks.

Could not be cuter and more perplex-y. I'd ride this dragon and ONLY this dragon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alright, so the Chinese astrology thing was kind of a bust. What can we learn from George R. R. Martin?

Could I be any more excited for Season Two? No I could not.

We know from Daenerys that “fire cannot kill a dragon” and one of her handmaidens told us that “dragons come from the moon” so really all we know from this is that if dragons come for us we can’t use flamethrowers against them as weapons (and I mean, who would do that, anyway? That’d be stupid. Dragons ARE a flamethrower. That’d be a pointless weapon to use against them) and probably don’t go to the moon or you’ll get eaten by a dragon. HELPFUL.

Listen, we are really not learning a lot about how best to deal with the Year of the Dragon, here, at all, are we.

If you are born this year, your motto, according to Wikipedia which is never, ever wrong is “I reign” (why the hell isn’t this MY motto? OH HOLY HELL YOU GUYS. My motto is “I win.” I’m not even kidding. That’s the best news I’ve had ALL YEAR. I do! Win! I say that ALL THE TIME! And my horoscope backs me up! Yay, year of the Tiger! Winning totally trumps reigning! SUCK ON THAT DRAGON) and you like to eat wheat and poultry so you should probably go eat a turkey sandwich on wheat toast or something. Also, you’re at your best between 7-10am. Who the hell is at their best between 7-10am? Crazy people and perky people, I’d think. No one likes those people, by the way. They’re all “GOOD MORNING” and I want to punch their throats. DIAL IT BACK A NOTCH SUNSHINE.

OK, well, this has been the least helpful. I guess my best advice for dealing with the Year of the Dragon is:

  • Be prepared for something to happen that is positive, maybe, or not
  • Maybe you will fall in love, or not, and it might be ripped away from you, or not
  • Don’t fall off the dragon if you fly on him
  • Don’t try to set dragons on fire
  • Don’t travel to the moon
  • Eat a turkey sandwich

I know I feel better with those guidelines under my belt. HAPPY YEAR OF THE DRAGON EVERYONE!

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Commitment”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Commitment”

by Amy|on January 23, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , , |1 Comment

Well! Hello, my Revengeaholics! Listen, I just checked? And this is our last episode for TWO WEEKS. I know! What are we going to DO after today? Probably get our own revenge on people/things in our lives just to fill the gaping hole, right? I personally plan on getting revenge on the sun. It keeps waking me up on Sundays when I want to sleep in. YOU’RE ON NOTICE, SUN.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Thirteen
“Commitment”

Last time: Emily got revenge on the gossipwriter who lied to her about her father and published a scandalous tell-all book about him and also set the stage for Whorebag’s inevitable downfall; Whorebag made Ah-Duhhhh Jack whirl her away to Atlantic City; and Emily finds out that Charlotte is her SISTER in a totally NOT AT ALL SHOCKING turn of events. What will happen what will happen?????

OK. THIS WEEK. Aw, Emily invited Nolan over to watch the video about Charlotte being her sister. Their friendship is adorable, you guys, seriously. It makes me want to pinch both of their cheeks twice. I like that she needed someone there to prop her up a little, even though she’s totally hard, and she has Nolan for that, and Nolan, who’s never had anyone, has someone now. This makes me happy.

Emily says her plan is to send one of the tapes to the Greysons, so they can bear the brunt of figuring out if it’s true or not, and plant the rest on Whorebag, so it looks like she torched the Gossipwriter’s abode last week. Nolan, BECAUSE HE HAS A HEART, is all, “Um…you just found out you have a sister. This isn’t…affecting you? At all?” Emily’s made of REVENGE AND STONE. It does not move her. NOT AT ALL.

Victoria and wee Daniel blather on about Greyson Global’s money and how Victoria can get some in the divorce and my eyes glaze over because SO SO BORING. Victoria tells Daniel that since it looks like she’ll be getting the money, he won’t have to marry Emily after all! Whew! Whew, right, sonny? But wee Daniel’s all, “Mooooom, I looooove her!” Victoria bitchfaces at this.

Emily “warns” Whorebag that Gossipwriter’s home burned down and that Victoria probably did it to frame Whorebag and Whorebag should TOTALLY get out of Dodge. Whorebag’s not having it. She wants to stay and make sweet, sweet love with her brainless lover-man.

Conrad tells Bawston Declan and Charlotte that he’s paid for BOTH of them to attend prep school; all Bawston Declan has to do is pass the entrance exam. I guess this is to buy Charlotte’s love, and to piss off Victoria? Someone delivers him a flash drive. He wonders, “what could this be?” Hmm. I wonder, Conrad. I do so wonder. At a big meeting o’the lawyers, Conrad plays the flash drive: oh! Surprise! It’s the interview with Emily’s dad! And Conrad tells Victoria that if Charlotte doesn’t pass the paternity test? OH HELL TO PAY BABY. Victoria’s lawyer is PISSED she didn’t tell him this latest development. Victoria schemes and schemes and comes up with the best plan: invite Whorebag over for tea!

Emily puts the tapes in Whorebag’s stuff. Jack catches her but believes her tissue-thin lie as to why she’s there. BECAUSE HE IS STUPID YO.

Whorebag is effing up left and right at the luncheon with Victoria. First she eats strawberries, which the real Amanda is deathly allergic to. Then she licks off a COMMUNAL SPOON (ugh, so gross) and leaves it on her plate, and you KNOW Victoria was all “hey, lawyer, test that shit for DNA” as soon as she flounced out. Victoria accused her of sending the flash drive and torching Gossipwriter’s house; Whorebag was all “whatever, biznatch” and stalked out all whorey.

Paternity test is back. Guess who’s NOT Charlotte’s dad? No, not Ozzy Osbourne, but he’s probably not her dad, either. CONRAD. CONRAD IS NOT HER DAD.

Conrad tells Victoria she either takes a little amount of money or he takes her to court and tells the world that she’s a terrorist’s whore and that Charlotte’s a terrorist’s child. Ashley hears all of this, and is furious at herself that she was sucking up to the wrong Greyson all summer.

Whorebag starts to tell Jack too much, but Nolan overhears and puts a stop to it by making a mess at the bar and then tells Whorebag to shut her pie-hole, if she knows what’s good for her. Only nicer. And sexier.

Conrad hates Charlotte now and tells her she has to go live with her mother. Sweet, stupid Charlotte runs weeping into the night.

Daniel proposes to Emily in the rain. She says yes. I gag a little. They tell Victoria. She totally restrains herself from carving Emily’s eyes out with her fingernails, it’s very adult of her.

Ashley tells Jack and Nolan that Emily is engaged. They are both upset for different reasons. A disgusting biker hits on Whorebag, and she somehow restrains herself from screwing him on the bar in front of everyone, so I guess everyone is growing and maturing a little, isn’t that nice?

Wee Daniel tells his dad he’s engaged. This turns into an argument about Victoria. Conrad’s all, “ASK YOUR MOM WHY SHE’S A WHORE.”

Charlotte comes to Emily’s to look for her brother to comfort her. She finds out about the engagement and is all “I’ve always wanted a sister!” Oh, poor, sweet, stupid little fool. Emily hugs her. It’s actually kind of touching, if Emily wasn’t mostly stone and ash inside.

Whaaaaat? The lawyer brings back the DNA tests, and they say that Whorebag IS Charlotte’s half-sister, making her Amanda Clarke? What the holy hell?

Whaaaaat? The disgusting biker is upstairs at the Stowaway, stealing all the tapes that Emily worked so hard to plant on Whorebag! Jack walks in and biker thoroughly kicks his ass! Whorebag and Nolan find him! They are SO UPSET!

Nolan, who listen, really likes Jack, because he’s the heart of the series, storms over to Emily’s, all “YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR TAPE-PLANTING” and when she finds out that Jack got hurt, she gets very teary-eyed.

Emily! Meets the lawyer! Secretly! THEY WERE IN CAHOOTS YOU GUYS! She yells at him for allowing Jack to get hurt. He tells her she almost dropped the ball with the DNA test on Whorebag, but good thing he was able to switch the info so her DNA was tested instead. Wheee! The lawyer tells Emily that even though he believes in her father and always has, this might be going too far. Emily gets teary again.

Emily tells Whorebag everything – well, mostly everything – playing up the “if you stay here, Jack will be in more danger” thing. Whorebag rides her painted pony into the sunset, without telling comatose Jack goodbye.

Wee Daniel insists on the truth from Victoria; she implies Emily’s dad raped her. Wow, that’s not at all horrible and doesn’t at all diminish what happens all the time to real rape victims THANKS VICKI.

Emily tells Nolan she’s going to tell wee Daniel she’s not going to marry him, because this has gone too far and there has to be a better way. Nolan approves and attempts to comfort her; she tells him not to touch her, which made me giggle.

Ah-duhhhh Jack finds out Whorebag left. The camera shows us there is ONE MORE VIDEOTAPE under the bed dun dun dunnnnn.

Victoria puts the videos in a safe. (So she did hire the gross biker? OK…there must be more on those tapes she doesn’t want anyone to see…)

Daniel tells Emily that his poor, poor mom was raped by a terrorist. Emily’s response? “How about a June wedding?” IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG VICTORIA.

Two weeks, Revengians! Plenty of time for all the plotting! Try not to miss me too much!

Permalink to “The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 12, “Pool Party”

“The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 12, “Pool Party”

by Amy|on January 22, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , , , |Leave a comment

Howdy, all! Sixth Office recap. Holy all things shiny. This is a momentous occasion. Now, I was immediately on guard this week, because anything with the words “pool” and “party” make me stabby. I hate swimming. And parties. And…well, let’s just say that I left the episode feeling justified in my weirdo beliefs.

The Office
Season 8, Episode 12
“Pool Party”

In brief: Robert Effing California is apparently a rich guy and has a mansion that he is selling now that he is getting divorced. Kevin’s all, “you should invite us over to a pool party at your mansion!” and for some reason, Robert Effing California does so. At the party, all kinds of stupid things happen. Jim’s the only one who’s not an asshat, and he tries to leave early, only he gets roped into a tour that takes most of the night and involves Robert Effing California whining about all the things he never got to do in the mansion while Gabe and Ryan compete like little suck-up Shih-Tzus for his attention. Erin finds out that Andy might still like her, so spends the night trying to make him jealous by pretending to be flirting with Dwight. Andy loses, then regains, his heirloom engagement ring with which he may or may not be proposing to his girlfriend who is still totally too good for him. Darryl is embarrassed to take his shirt off in front of Val; Kathy the temp seems to be wanting to climb Jim like a tree; Robert Effing Creeper California takes all of his clothes off; and Andy and Erin share a moment, after he is shamed by Dwight.

Times I laughed out loud in this episode: 4

1. Dwight and Stanley planning on eating those gross left-out meatballs
2. The fact that both Dwight and Erin think that smearing potato chips on each other’s faces might be construed as sexy times
3. Jim running over all the shrubbery in his haste to escape the party
4. Creed, for playing the guitar and wearing a tiara

Times I wanted to punch someone: 4

1. Andy’s stupid family, for giving him an engagement ring but only after they took out the stone (although, considering they gave the stone to his brother, and his brother is JOSH GROBAN, who I love love love, I kind of get that)
2. Gabe, for having Korean porn on his iPod
3. Robert Effing California, for getting naked (ew ew ew ew)
4. Myself, because this was one of those episodes where I randomly found Dwight hot (I KNOW. I DON’T GET IT EITHER. I THINK I’M BROKEN.)

NEW CATEGORY!

Times I “awwww”d: 1

1. Dwight telling Andy he was an idiot

This episode was annoying on like, a multitude of levels. These people hang out too much; no office hangs out this much. Andy and Erin: STOP DICKING AROUND ALREADY YOU ARE ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Robert Effing California has outweighed his welcome; writers, please, please, PLEASE make it stop. Gabe and Ryan were bothering me. Phyllis and Kelly were the height of stupidity. Kathy’s going to be in love with Jim now? That’s where we’re taking this? Really? I don’t approve. SO MANY THINGS WERE BOTHERSOME. Seriously, show, you are pissing me off. JUST STOP IT.

“Trivia,” on the Creed Scale, gets:

Creed making the “slitting your throat” gesture with his finger. This episode was the worst, you guys. Total turd sandwich.

And on a scale of one to ten Creeds, this episode gets:

A SAD PANDA.

It got NO Creeds on the Creed scale. It got a SAD PANDA.

Seriously, Office writers, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Come on. Stop it. FIX THIS.

Happy week, you guys, happy week! Love your faces! SMOOOOOCH!

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Twelve, “Infamy”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Twelve, “Infamy”

by Amy|on January 17, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , |Leave a comment

Howdy, Revengians! This was totally a week to be reckoned with, no joke. I can’t even. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED. I know, right? Are you totally knocked for a loop? Thought so. I wasn’t, bee tee dubs. I totally saw this all coming. Sort of. That’s because I was meant to be a rich person. IN MY BLOOD. I’m pretty sure I was switched at birth with a rich person, so any day now, my real parents are going to show up all “here is your inheritance” and then I’ll take you all out for scallops or something.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Twelve
“Infamy”

Last time: wee little Daniel had a wee little birthday only he was all “wah wah I don’t want a FUSS” so he had a clambake which may or may not have been a euphemism for something filthy, I’m still not sure. At the clambake, Tyler showed up and tried to shoot people with a gun with no bullets in it until he was tackled by wee Daniel my hero ooh ahh. We found out Victoria was a social climbing liar, and Tyler cut my boyfriend Nolan with a knife (UNACCEPTABLE.) Tyler’s out of the picture and has been framed for Ginger Frank’s murder, so all is well in Revengtonia.

OK. THIS WEEK. Emily’s reading a book about her father’s case that totally looks like one of those horrible gossipy things you see for sale in the remainder bin three days after they’re published. Wee Daniel comes in all “let’s move to the City together after the summer’s over, baby darlin’ dear” and she’s all “Oh, but I am an old-fashioned maiden and could NEVER until I am MARRIED live with a FELLA” and that’s the dumbest excuse but his brain is as small as his body so he’s down with it.

The author of the book – played by Roger Bart, also known as Bree’s weirdo dentist ex on Desperate Housewives and one of the gay men on that awful reboot of The Stepford Wives with Nicole Kidman and also he’s a Broadway stahhhh, baby – is giving a reading in the Hamptons which Emily and Nolan and all the town are attending because what else are they going to do, I guess, it’s not like they could…oh, I don’t know…DO ANYTHING THEY WANT THEY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO OWN THE WORLD. Afterward, Emily drops the bomb she lives in his subject’s old HOME, dun dun dunn, and also prods Nolan to introduce himself. Gossipwriter is SO EXCITED because he wants to write the story of hot Nolan. I thought also he wanted to lick hot Nolan, but I’m reading up on this and I’m the only one who got any gay subtext here. So probably there’s a gay man in me trying to get out. I’m ok with that.

Whorebag wants Jack to close the bar and take her to Atlantic City (whenever I hear the words Atlantic City I get music from the show Ragtime in my head, which is another sign there’s a gay man in me trying to get out, I suppose.) Jack’s all “ah, DUHHHHH, Amanduhhhh, I can’t do that, I gots a job I gots to do” and she’s all “YOU’D DO IT FOR EMILY THORNE HUFFFF!” I love the Whorebag more every week, if by “love” you mean “want to throw her off the pier after being sure the water is stocked thoroughly with sharks.”

Victoria tells Gossipwriter he needs to find out why Whorebag is back in the Hamptons. He’s all, “What? NO. That is INAPPROPRIATE!” and she’s all, “I MADE YOU I CAN BREAK YOU” and he’s all “Yep, sorry, Lady Victoria. Right on that.”

Emily watches an old interview clip of her father and Gossipwriter, where Gossipwriter pretended to be her father’s friend so that he could BETRAY him. Well! I’m guessing none of this ends well for you, Gossipwriter. Just guessing. I mean, Emily’s enemies have gotten off so lightly until now.

Gossipwriter visits Whorebag to talk to her about the past. Whorebag, who does not HAVE that past, has no idea who he is or what he is talking about.

Victoria meets her ambulance-chasing lawyer, who tells her that now that they have the prenup situation ironed out with lies, Conrad is attempting to get her shares in the company taken away from her. BUT, if wee Daniel talks to his pops, maybe HE can get HIS shares sooner! This is a very good idea and not at all destined to fail.

Bawston Declan and Charlotte are coming back from visiting her prep school. Why Bawston Declan went with her as if they are an adult couple is as-yet unknown. He’s being a child and all “WAH WAH YOU WON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME” and she’s all, “Um, I can attend school and also date you?” but he’s not having it. Charlotte? Probably you can do better. Just a tip from me to you.

When wee Daniel tells his daddy he wants his share in the company, his daddy turns around and puts a stipulation in the will he has to be thirty or married to get it. This is one kick-ass trusting awesome family, you guys. Conrad’s lawyer’s all, “Um…he’s in a serious relationship, he might marry Emily?” (even though they’ve known each other, what, a month now? 6 weeks?) and Conrad gets schemey-eyes over this. Hmm.

Emily and Nolan visit Gossipwriter, who VERY INTELLIGENTLY tells them, in a span of like thirty seconds, he a., doesn’t have a computer, so no backup of any of his stuff, only the one hard copy; b., has a glass case full of never-before-seen info on Emily’s dad, c., is a pretentious asshole. I made that last one up. But he name-dropped John Cheever, so it was totally justified.

Whorebag’s whoring it up at the Stowaway, doing bodyshots and making out with the customers and shit. Emily shows up. This upsets the Whorebag. Who totally has feelings underneath all those STDs. Emily convinces the Whorebag to do the interview with Gossipwriter while she’s Cyrano de Bergeracing in her ear. Whorebag! You are whorey AND easily-led!

Nolan and Emily are at the shooting range and Nolan is bad at it because he is a fey adorable gay man and Emily rocks at it because she is kickass. She explains that Gossipwriter lied to her as a child, and made her believe her father was a criminal, so she’s going to GET HER REVENGE on him. I like that they tied the TITLE OF THE SHOW into what’s happening today.

Conrad attempts to whore wee Daniel out to a woman he thinks is more suitable than Emily. Which is confusing, I never knew he disliked Emily, but whatever, doesn’t matter, wee Daniel’s wee manhood only stands at attention for Emily, anyway.

Charlotte finds Declan asleep with a copy of Paradise Lost, which I assume is a concession to stay relevant to her at prep school. She kisses him, tucks him in, and makes a shitload of noise. He doesn’t wake. At this point, I yelled at the television, “Charlotte! I think he might have been poisoned! Call 911! There’s no way he slept through that!” but she didn’t answer me.

Emily and Nolan Cyrano Whorebag up. She goes through an interview with Gossipwriter. It’s surprisingly bland, but seems to make him feel bad that he ruined her life. So, good, I guess. I was hoping for more fireworks, though.

Victoria makes Ashley tell Emily that Daniel has to marry her in order to get the company, so if he were to ask her to marry him right now, IT CERTAINLY WOULDN’T BE OUT OF LOVE NO NO NO.

Gossipwriter tells Victoria he wants to tell THE TRUTH. Victoria’s all “I WILL BURY YOU.” Emily hears it all. DUN DUN DUNNNN. But he doesn’t come clean at the reading, so Emily’s got to do some revengin’. I mean, it can’t be avoided now. Nolan totally has a hissy fit that Gossipwriter didn’t come clean, but Emily didn’t think he would. She tells Nolan to keep him away from his place for a bit. Because she has revengin’ to do, baby. ALL THE REVENGIN’. Gossipwriter and Nolan take off, Emily skulks into his house, and skullduggery ensues. She steals the videos, burns down the place with the Whorebag’s cigarettes and lighter, and takes the eff off into the night like a ninja. She then goes to wee Daniel’s for all the sex, to establish her alibi. Ah, her Japanese mentor taught her well, grasshopper.

Ah-duhhhhh Jack decides he’s too stodgy, closes down The Stowaway, and takes Whorebag to Atlantic City. (“Sea and salty AIIIRRRRRR!” Sorry. Ragtime. Sorry.)

When Gossipwriter and Nolan come back, Gossipwriter totally soap-operas a “nooooo!” when he sees his place in flames. Nolan sexily sexes a “bad girl.” I can be bad, too, Nolan. Want to see?

The next morning, Emily’s watching an interview Gossipwriter did with her dad. In it, her dad reveals that CHARLOTTE IS HIS. Yep! Emily’s got a SISTER!

OK, here’s the thing. I knew something like this was going to happen? But I thought maybe Victoria would be Emily’s mom. Who IS Emily’s mom, by the way? Has she ever been mentioned? What’s going on with that? There aren’t any women, other than Victoria or maybe that friend of hers who did the swandive off the roof a while ago, who are old enough to BE her mom, so the big reveal’s not going to be all that stunning. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

I actually watched the preview, but all I remember is Emily hugging Charlotte. Which could mean a lot of things, not only that she reveals her true parentage and her true identity. DON’T USE YOUR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS MAT YOU GUYS.

Happy week! Remember, always keep your powder dry and your revenge revengey!

Permalink to “The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 11, “Trivia”

“The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 11, “Trivia”

by Amy|on January 16, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , , , |2 Comments

Welcome back from the holidays, everyone! Time for our fifth Office recap. I hope you’re ready for some awesomeness. Because I know what you were thinking, going into this week’s episode. “This is going to suck, I hope I have enough alcoholic beverages to sustain me.” Oh, wait, I was the only one who thought that? I might have a drinking problem? Shut it, Slappy.

The Office
Season 8, Episode 11
“Trivia”

In brief: Robert Effing California made Andy promise to get the sales figures up this quarter. Andy’s been buying a shit-ton of paper himself to do so, but he’s out of money, and out of storage space for the paper, so he closes the whole office (THESE PEOPLE NEVER WORK EVER) and takes them all to a trivia contest where the prize is $1,000 so they can meet the sales figures. They break into three teams – the A team, the B team, and the loser team – and guess who wins? Yep, the loser team, consisting of Meredith, Erin, Kevin, and Kelly, whose random knowledge of nonsense (and perviness) really pulls through. In the meantime, Dwight goes to Florida to convince Robert Effing California to hire him for a manager’s position down there, but Robert Effing California puts him off and makes him pitch to creepy Gabe instead (who is working every other day in Florida, and every other day in Pennsylvania, which is the funniest, yo.) Dwight strong-arms Gabe into bringing him (Dwight) to Robert Effing California’s home, where he pitches himself to the weird puffy weirdo, but Robert Effing California tells him the job is beneath him, even though it’s totally a lie, and if there’s anything that Dwight understands, it’s that he’s better than all the things.

Now, apparently, people online thought this episode was the suck? But I totally thought the trivia plotline was hysterical. And honestly, I wasn’t even drinking. THAT MUCH. So either I’m broken, or I just like things without Robert Effing California and Creepy Praying Mantis Gabe in them.

Times I laughed out loud in this episode: 9

1. Kevin’s Koolaid-man “Oh, yeah!” at his candy bar
2. The fact that Gabe is so inconsequential he’s being forced to commute, DAILY, between Florida and Pennsylvania, because NO ONE WANTS HIS CREEPY ASS IN THEIR OFFICE
3. Kevin thinking he belonged on the “A” trivia team
4. The “just have fun” team trying to brainstorm what blind people might have on their mind (“dogs!” “canes!” “darkness!”)
5. Ryan’s phone situation (“I just want to be with my PHONE!”) (Seriously, this is totally me, and I laughed so hard tears came to my eyes)
6. Kelly knowing an NBA answer because of the Kardashians
7. Erin ringing the trivia bell without knowing the answer
8. Robert Effing California’s weird wrestling thing going on in his apartment
9.  Kevin knowing the French film because Marion Cotillard is naked in it and he’s a pervy perverson

Times I wanted to punch someone: 1

1. The writers, for not taking advantage of the opportunity to have Creed make some sort of awesomely funny answer at trivia.

I don’t know WHY I liked this episode so much! I’m reading people’s reviews online and people are all “I HATED THIS SO MUCH I WANTED TO DIE” but I don’t know, it totally entertained me! I mean, sure, the Robert Effing California and Creepy-Ass Gabe parts were painful, but they always are, right? I just do something else then. I liked the trivia thing! And it totally gets so many points for the Ryan and his phone part. I am Ryan when it comes to my phone. I am TOTALLY Ryan. I’m going on vacation in three months and I’m already all “what the hell when the plane tells me I have to turn my phone off? I won’t like that AT ALL.”

“Trivia,” on the Creed Scale, gets:

Creed trying to get something for free out of the vending machine. I know there wasn’t enough Creed? And I know the writers totally dropped the ball? But this is awesome, and you should see it.

And on a scale of one to ten Creeds, this episode gets:

Creed hiding for some reason behind a fridge. I don’t know, I just like it. Why’s he hiding behind the fridge? HE’S CREED. He doesn’t need to give you an explanation, damn.

Happy week, everyone!

Permalink to Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eleven, “Duress”

Recap: Revenge, Season One, Episode Eleven, “Duress”

by Amy|on January 9, 2012 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , |2 Comments

Well! Welcome back, Revengaholics! I hope you had some shiny old holidays! Lots of fruitcake eaten? Lots of figgy pudding consumed? No? Ok, fine, no one eats figgy pudding, gotcha, no problem, figs weird me out anyway. But anyway, so we’re back to the Hamptons, and Emily’s totally revengey plans! Did you miss it? I did. But mostly just Nolan. And all the bitchface looks. I do so like a good bitchface look.

Revenge
Season One, Episode Eleven
“Duress”

Last time, before the holidays happened: the Whorebag was kind of making Jack suspicious because she didn’t remember enough about when they were, oh, I don’t know, SIX, because everyone remembers every minute detail of when they’re six; Victoria starts divorce proceedings against Conrad using Emily’s dad’s old lawyer dun dun dunnn; Nolan and stupid evil Tyler have a breakup; Daniel promises to help his Mommy with the divorce because he’s so tied up in her apron strings he’s about to strangle; and Nolan and Emily have a fight which is upsetting, everyone stop being mean to my Nolan.

OK. THIS WEEK. It is almost wee little unattractive Daniel’s birthday. Poor little rich-boy is all “Boo hoo Mommy’s going to want to throw a SHINDIG for me, Emily, what will I DOOOO” and Emily’s all “Have her throw a clambake, but don’t tell her it was MY idea” on the outside, but on the inside, she’s thinking, “I kind of want to shiv you, you ungrateful toolbag.” Conrad shows up and attempts to make amends with wee Daniel (by promising he’ll fire Tyler, yeah, right, not with him having the whale camera, Conrad, you jackass), and Daniel’s all “Yep, love you, Daddums!” but really he’s playing both sides of the fence, and calls his mom up right after and says “I’m on YOUR side, Mommy Dearest, don’t you EVEN WORRY. Also, I’m clambaking it this birthday see ya bye.” Victoria’s cool with the first half of that sentence and slow-burn furious about the second. Also, totally PS, but I think “clambaking” should be a euphemism.

Emily goes to Nolan’s (aw, squee) and says she looked up friendship on the interwebs (loved her long time for saying interwebs, I can tell you right now) and that when friends fight, you’re supposed to say “I’m sorry.” But she doesn’t SAY “I’m sorry.” Because she’s Emily. She and Nolan spar a bit about the Tyler situation (Nolan’s tracking him via a GPS in his phone) and the Whorebag situation (Emily’s got her on the backburner for the time being) and Nolan says that he really only ever wanted to help Emily and her dad. He reminds her, as she leaves, she never really SAID those two little words. She does. And seems to mean them. Which was nice, and I was happy. I love me some Nolan.

Conrad and Victoria and their mutual lawyers sit down for a tete-a-tete about the divorce. It’s about as entertaining as watching paint dry. But we do find out that Victoria signed a prenup, although her lawyer wants it thrown out as she was under “duress” at the time – she was pregnant. (And, BTW, all she wants is the beach house and a bunch of their art and full custody of Charlotte – I assume these are all the things that Conrad wants most, because why would she want things that wouldn’t hurt him?) Victoria, later, tells her lawyer that she wasn’t pregnant at all at the time; she was faking it, then faked a miscarriage. Are we sensing that maybe the Lady Victoria was a social climber? Hmm.

Conrad attempts to fire Tyler by calling his bluff until Tyler describes the content of the whale camera. Conrad looks like someone stole his best G.I. Joe when that news comes out. I mean, listen, I hate Tyler the most, but I do like to see Richie Riches get their comeuppances, so I’m torn.

Emily goes to Victoria for a photo so she can give wee Daniel a photo of the two of them together the day they met as his birthday gift, because it’s a clambake, and what do you give the man who has everything but a photo because it’s totally personal and won’t he just LURVE that? Victoria bitchfaces it up. As a comeback, Emily informs Victoria she’ll be inviting Whorebag to the clambake. This makes Victoria very pale, and flashback to macking on Emily’s dad, back in the day. We’re supposed to think she really did love him, right? Because that’s the vibe I get.

Emily steals the whale camera from Tyler’s shit (way to just leave your insurance around, dummy) and finds an empty pill bottle for antipsychotics. Ooh! A few creative phone calls and she finds out he’s wanted by the cops. Aah! Tyler returns once she’s snuck out, realizes the whale has returned to the ocean, and starts throwing shit around all soap-opera-y. Very exciting! Nolan tracks down Tyler’s brother, a doctor, and makes plans to fly him to the Hamptons to pick up Tyler, efficiently whisking him out of the picture. Neat as a pin, right? RIGHT. There is no WAY this can go wrong.

Then there’s lots of “everyone finding out, mostly through Emily being nefarious” that Tyler’s a looney. Victoria. Conrad. Daniel. Ashley. Daniel goes after him, because HE IS A MAN. A wee, wee man. He confronts Tyler, and Tyler – I think? this was odd – hits on him and invites him to run away to California with him. I’m sorry, Tyler, which part of HE IS NOT GAY didn’t work for you? When nothing comes of this burgeoning love affair, Tyler gets all huffy and stalks out.

Jack and Emily have a little thing on the beach where he tells her “ah, duh, I loves me some Amanda, yo, she’s what I been waitin’ for my whole liiife” and Emily gets all stompy and sad. Ugh. Seriously? None of these men are good enough for you, my revengey goddess. Well, Nolan’s close.

Emily calls Nolan and invites him to the clambake, which is cute, until he turns around and TYLER IS IN HIS HOUSE WITH THE KNIFE. Here’s my question – what happened to his bodyguards? He decided he didn’t need those anymore? Odd. Nolan thought Tyler was on his way to California, because he was tracking his cell – but Tyler, one step ahead, shipped his cell to California AHEAD OF HIM. Ooh! He hacks Nolan up a little with his knife (in my home, “YOU PIECE OF SHIT, TYLER, NO CUTTING NOLAN!” was yelled), then ties him up and heads to the clambake. Time for some clambakin’! Some murderous clambakin’!

For his birthday, Emily gives Daniel – seriously, I almost vomited – a collection of “poems that reminded her of him she’d been collecting since the day they met because he feels like hoooome to her” and the photo that Victoria found for her. He is charmed. I am nauseated.

Nolan is tied to a chair and is struggling to get free and is bleeding and groaning and where the hell is that bodyguard? Tyler’s brother shows up and frees Nolan. Welcome, deus ex machina! Nolan calls Emily to warn her, but TYLER IS THERE AND ANSWERS HER PHONE. Oh, this is NOT going to end well.

At the clambake* (*possibly a euphemism), Conrad weasels up to Bawston Declan to try to get Charlotte even more firmly on his side in the divorce. It’s vomiticious.

Victoria, never one to let her son’s girlfriend outshine her, gives wee Daniel an even BIGGER and BETTER scrapbook for a present. Emily goes in to get the cake after muttering “Very original.” Hee.

Ooh, Tyler is inside with Emily’s gun! He just wants the webcam, but she doesn’t know he knows she has it, and she pretends she doesn’t. HE IS NOT AT ALL AMUSED. Also he’s off his meds and is probably seeing pink elephants right now. Emily totally plants dead ginger Frank’s cell into Tyler’s pocket, so he’ll get framed for that murder. She’s always thinking, that one.

Tyler makes Emily bring the cake out, then makes everyone play a game at gunpoint, called, no, I’m not kidding, “Truth or Die” (gag) and waves the gun around and acts like a general buffoon and I totally wanted SOMEONE to get killed already. Hopefully Tyler, or Bawston Declan. Nolan shows up with Tyler’s brother before any questions get answered, and this distracts Tyler long enough for wee, wee Daniel to save the day with a wee, wee tackle. Huzzah!

Nolan and Ashley make friends because they were both in love with a crazy person full of crazy, so that’s adorbs.

And the ambulance-chasing lawyer tells Victoria – who, we find out, WAS poor when Conrad married her, this makes her oh-so-much-more layery, like a bitchfaced cake! –  he found someone willing to fake that she WAS pregnant when she signed the prenup, and DID miscarry. Yippee! Divorce ON, biznatches!

So there’s that. I didn’t watch the preview. I don’t remember why. I think probably I was checking Twitter or some such nonsense, that’s usually the reason I’m not doing anything at any given time, to be honest.

’til next week, my little Hamptonians! Happy revenging!

Permalink to There’s nothing lucky about birds. Those things fly into windows, I mean, come on.

There’s nothing lucky about birds. Those things fly into windows, I mean, come on.

by Amy|on January 1, 2012 |in Humor, Pop Culture, Rants |tagged , , , , |3 Comments

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope your celebrations were full of the happy and the merry? Good, good. Three of the four of us were dying of the deathly sick last night, so we’re pretty sure we have the monkey flu. And also Jenn might be, we haven’t heard from her. So we’re not sure what that means, to tell you the truth. JENN IF YOU ARE NOT DEAD KNOCK ONCE FOR YES.

Anyway, so happy 2012! This is very exciting, provided the world doesn’t end in December because of those pesky Mayans or whatever. I think probably we don’t need to worry too much about the Mayans. I mean, it’s not like they’re a major superpower or anything. What do we have to thank the Mayans for nowadays anyway? Oh, what’s that, writing, and the symbol for zero, and shit, also chocolate? Yeah, we’re all gonna die, nice knowing you.

So, people online were talking about their New Year’s traditions and such. I don’t know, I don’t have any. My New Year’s tradition was to drink a lot of wine last night, then slump around here today and knock items off my to-do list, which I totally did admirably, thank you very much. But then I read this thing that was all “LUCKY BIRD” and I thought, what the hell is up with this nonsense, there is NOTHING lucky about birds,  so I went a-searchin’. Listen, I’ve got two days off work, don’t even think I won’t use them wisely Googling foolishness.

RANDOM THINGS PEOPLE CONSIDER LUCKY ON NEW YEAR’S EVE/DAY

Kissing someone at midnight. Apparently, the tradition says if you fail to kiss the one you love at midnight, your affection will cool before the year ends. Well! This is good news, because I totally smooched my cat when the ball dropped, you guys. I remember because I got fur in my lip gloss. He’s gonna love me ALL YEAR LONG. I know, I win at kissing my loved ones.

Buy all the things. Your pantry and refrigerator must be full at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, and all wallets in the household must be full of money, or else the rest of the year will be empty like your cupboards and wallet. Um. OK, well, it is ultimately unhelpful that I am reading this NOW. Because all that’s in my fridge is wine and cheese, and all that’s in my cupboard is flour and cereal, and I have about $23 in cash and a shitload of pennies in my wallet at the moment. This year is going to be suck, THANKS, tradition.

Pay all the bills. If you don’t pay your bills by the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve your year will be filled with debt. Yeah, my year was going to be filled with debt anyway, who are you fooling, tradition. NO ONE, that’s who.

Someday my prince will come, bearing garbage. So apparently, the first person in your house after the stroke of midnight will influence how your whole year will go. Snopes tells me you want him (why “him,” that’s a little sexist) to be “dark-haired, tall, and good-looking” and he should bring gifts, such as “a lump of coal, a silver coin, a bit of bread, a sprig of evergreen, and some salt.” Blonde and redhead first-footers (also known as “lucky birds” – again, NO SUCH THING) are bad luck, so you should probably murder them before they can enter your home. I said that, not Snopes, so don’t get your panties in a wad, Snopes. And – oh, get this – “female first footers should be shooed away before they bring disaster down upon the household. AIM A GUN AT THEM IF YOU HAVE TO.” All-caps mine, but the wording is all Snopes’. Oh, also the first footer can’t have crossed eyes, flat feet, or eyebrows that meet in the middle.

The first footer has to be let in, then has to walk through the house, and leave through a different entrance than he entered through, in order for all the luck to happen.

WELL SHIT.

OK, first, I’m the only one who ever comes into my house, and the last time I checked, I’m totally a female so DAMMIT. I should have aimed a gun at myself when I went out to get the paper this morning to prevent myself from entering my own home. Also, if I knew a tall, dark-haired and good-looking man, don’t you think I’d have better things to do with him than load his pockets with hobo garbage and make him go in and out like a damn cuckoo on a clock? AND, I only have one entrance and one exit. I’m not a rich person. What the hell am I supposed to make Prince Charming do, jump out the second-story window into the parking lot?

THIS IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

Bottle it all up inside. Nothing is allowed to leave the house on New Year’s Day. Nothing. Not even GARBAGE. Unfortunately, the thing I’m reading doesn’t say what will happen to you if you allow this nefarious practice to occur. Will you die a painful death? With boils, maybe? Will there be boils? This is awful. I mean, I haven’t allowed anything to leave, but NOW IT’S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

Wait, like Fergie and Will.I.Am? Eat black-eyed peas, lentil soup, pork, and sauerkraut the first day of the year. These are all lucky foods. But do not eat chicken, because then you will be poor all year long. Ugh, listen, I don’t like sauerkraut, it makes me so disgusted because cabbage is the worst. And I don’t even HAVE black-eyed peas or lentil soup. I have some pork in the freezer but I already ate dinner and I’m really full. I don’t want to eat more. Do I have to? I didn’t eat chicken today, though. That’s totally a relief. I’d hate to be poor all year long. I mean, it’s not like I’ve had almost 40 years practice at it or anything.

Good, I don’t like doing laundry anyway, sucker. Do not do the laundry on New Year’s Day or one of your loved ones will be washed away (die) in the upcoming year. Well! That seems unnecessarily morbid! And, done. It’s not even laundry day, shows what you know, yahoos. Wait, do I get to pick which loved one goes out to sea?

I don’t even OWN anything new. Wear something new on January 1st, and you will receive new clothes all year long. SHIT. This is so awful, I can’t even tell you. I’m wearing like my oldest clothes ever today. Will I get gifted old clothes all year long? I don’t want your old clothes. STOP GIVING THOSE TO ME. I don’t want your garbage.

So, don’t be ME, then? Dammit. Do not break things or cry on January 1st, or you will be doing those things all year long. LISTEN RULES MCGILLICUTTY. I’m pretty sure all you want me to do is cook up a shitload of southern food and then sit very quietly all day today, because these rules are TOTALLY CONSTRICTY. If you tell me NOT to do something, I’m totally doing it. That’s all there is to say about that.  Also, I break things and cry over shit DAILY. I’m very EMOTIONAL. And CLUMSY. It’s not a New Year’s curse, you weirdo. IT’S ME.

So, what have we learned today?

If your New Year is filled with whatever you choose to do on January 1, apparently, my 2012 will be filled with:

  • Watching television
  • Blogging
  • Tweeting
  • Eating all the things
  • Petting my cat until he purrs and falls off the couch in a love stupor
  • Laughing like a moron over way stupid funny shit
  • Being productive in a lazy way

I’m totally down with this. BRING IT ON 2012.

Permalink to “The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 10, “Christmas Wishes”

“The Office” Recap, Season 8, Episode 10, “Christmas Wishes”

by Amy|on December 15, 2011 |in Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Television |tagged , , , , , , , |Leave a comment

Fourth Office recap. I KNOW IT RIGHT. The last time I stuck with something this long…I don’t know, I can’t remember that far back. Are we ready to rumble? Yep. We totally are. Well, I am. I don’t know about you. Are you? Are you ready to rumble?

The Office
Season 8, Episode 10
“Christmas Wishes”

In brief: It’s Christmas at the Office. You know what that means! The person in charge acting like a gigantic asshat, wearing a Santa costume, and an inappropriately boozy Christmas party. Seriously, this office doesn’t ever, ever do any work. Oh, also, there’s a literal asshat. No, I’m not kidding. Andy puts on a HAT with an ASS on it. A real ass. NO NOT A DONKEY. It’s embarrassing. So Andy decides, as office Santa, he can grant everyone’s wishes. Meredith wishes for a designated driver. Stanley goes on a rant about hating Kwanzaa, fueled by Lewis Black. Robert effing California shows up for the party, wearing a velveteen tracksuit, or some such shit, and begins forcing everyone to drink. You know. Like your CEO does. Andy’s girlfriend shows up. She’s lovely, and too good for Andy. Darryl invites Val, and tells her it’s fancy dress, only he meant, don’t show up in your warehouse uniform, and she took it as, dress like a movie star because DAMN did she look hot. Darryl feels badly, and leaves, only to come back wearing a tux. Yowza. There are some major sparks flying then. Robert California gets little wee Erin totally blitzed, and she passes along her Christmas wish: that Andy’s girlfriend is dead. In the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth. She pretty much screams this wish to the top of her lungs right in the middle of the party. Andy = not at all amused. When Andy finds out that Robert is bringing Erin home and is looking at her like a starving man seeing a McRib, he follows behind in Meredith’s van, but seeing that nothing happens between them gives Santa his Christmas wish, and he drives lushy Meredith home with a shit-eating grin on his face. Oh, and Jim and Dwight attempt to prank each other and make it look like the other person did it so they can gank each other’s Christmas bonus. And there’s a porcupine in a desk drawer at one point.

That was a lengthy recap, but a lot of shit went down in this episode, yo.

Times I laughed out loud in this episode: 9

1. Kelly not knowing what Hindu Christmas was
2. Ryan’s knowing nod at how awful the Black Eyed Peas are (am I the only person left in the world who actually enjoys the Black Eyed Peas to some extent, BTW?)
3. Dwight’s prank that involved sending flowers to Pam from Jim
4. The whole porcupine in the desk drawer thing (her name was Henrietta! And, “quilled!” Hee!)
5. Jim saying maybe he defaced the photo of CeCe “by accident”
6. Creed rocking out to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra
7. Kelly having Kardashian viruses on her computer
8. Kelly attempting to ruin Jessica’s good time by accusing her of farting (and then being so proud of her, Kelly’s, plan)
9.  All the shit in the back of Meredith’s van and her fury when it all fell out

Times I wanted to punch someone: 3

1. Bet you can guess. Yep, you’re right. Robert effing California.
2. Both Andy and Erin. Repeatedly. But mostly Andy.
3. Andy for putting on that asshat.

I actually liked this episode a lot. A lot of solid laughs, only a little of the stupid. But here’s the thing. I know, I know, I know. A show loses its verve once the couple gets together. It’s already nowhere near as good, now that Pam and Jim are together. But Andy and Erin? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You two are in love; you’re meant to be together; I barely remember why you broke up, and it’s obvious YOU don’t remember. This is silly, it’s embarrassing, and it’s totally the most tiresome. STOP IT. Also, I feel bad for Jessica. First, why is she dating stupid Andy? Second, she’s just going to get hurt. Annoying all around.

But this gets extra points for the porcupine. Not a lot of Creed, but extra porcupine-points.

“Christmas Wishes,” on the Creed Scale, gets: 

Creed dressed as Dracula. I don’t know. There wasn’t a lot of Creed, but I don’t feel like I should deprive you of something as awesome as this.

And on a scale of one to ten Creeds, this episode gets: 

Creed dressed as Osama bin Laden. This is my Christmas present to YOU, my little Office drones. Enjoy the break! Best wishes! Merry merry, happy happy, all that jazz, jazz HANDS, even!

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