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Permalink to Prometheus Review

Prometheus Review

by Cara|on June 12, 2012 |in Movies |tagged , , , , |Leave a comment

Prometheus: Stupidest Science Fiction Movie from One of the Greatest Science Fiction Directors

Okay so… I’ve had some time to think about this- not chalking it up to being cranky at a midnight showing- and I have to say that Prometheus was simply bad.

Here’s my disclaimer: I’m not a movie snob. I fucking love Ridley Scott. LOVE HIM… okay my husband hates when I overuse the word love… so I REALLY REALLY ENJOY HIS WORK AND MOVIES. Alien was released the year I was born for a REASON… yes I’m old. Fuck off.

I was really dumb to get my hopes up so very high for this but I felt as though it was a no-brainer… history has shown this movie would, undeniably be AMAZING- what did I have to lose? Almost three hours of my life, apparently.

So… here’s the non-spoiler aspect. I’m not trying to discourage people from seeing this (well hell, probably a little) because it’s a damn beautiful movie- cinematography and music are awesome and by all means if you’re a fan of those and know absolutely nothing about the Alien franchise then by all means enjoy the shit out of this movie… but if you get confused easily and love character development- wait for video and go see Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, which did better opening weekend.

Okay so  some SPOILERS- don’t read unless you’ve seen the movie and/or enjoy reading my sarcastic comments on what probably took Scott years of hard work. I’m sorry- but your job is to entertain me and the whole “it’s a prequel but not a prequel” bullshit was even more aggravating than watching the Last Airbender movie.

I’m going to pull from Rob’s Prometheus Review here and there because it summed up everything rather nicely- and should be used as a guide for those of you who were confused… you’ll still be confused but at least you’ll be laughing.

After having a few discussions with friends- I decided that this movie’s major flaw was script… or in my head it all went down something like… Ridley Scott wanted to make an Alien prequel and the producers didn’t… because apparently you have to be five inches from retarded to run a movie studio these days- or a blind monkey throwing ideas at a dartboard is in charge. So Scott wants to make his damn prequel (as does- oh THE ENTIRE WORLD) but the fucktards in charge don’t… stating that Scott probably doesn’t know much about science fiction movie making anyway, right?

So what happens? A smart ass like Scott just starts trying to make a prequel anyway and everything goes to shit. Plot holes the size of the Nostromo and characters you’re supposed to like- but wish with every fiber in your being would just fucking die already. Yeah… maybe that happened… because I know directors change, and I know this director has what it takes. So why such a wishy washy prequel concept? I didn’t get it.

So bad script writing leads to…. major character flaws… So let’s focus my review on that shall we?

However, Rapace does manage to make sure no one brings any weapons into this first foray onto an extraterrestrial world with potential, unknown life on it, so at least she’s got that going for her. -Rob

Something seems wrong here. The only characters I liked were the hardass cunty Vickers and the robot… because HE wanted everyone dead too. We were secretly conspiring together. The main scientist, Shaw? Horrible. I’d think Scott- who created one of the greatest female hero’s in recent history (Ellen Ripley) would know a fucking thing or two about his female leads but something went awry with this one. Maybe Rapace was a big bully and kept punching Scott in the face every time he had a suggestion- I don’t know.

The Prometheus is predominantly full of scientists… really dumb scientist who know nothing of science- namely (as Rob so eloquently refers to them) Weirdly Aggressive Geologist and World’s Shittiest Biologist… I’m not sure WHAT happened with these two characters but my husband figured that Aggressive Geologist (who looks like he stepped off the Warriors set) was initially approached to be a Merc with a gun and someone up and switched his script on him come filming day… he was already in the FRAME OF MIND to be an asshole mercenary… so hey just roll with it because “we fucking need a Geologist or something in here.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever known scientists… but future scientists throw all that brainpower out the window and stop using common sense- so we have that to look forward to. I mean… if a creepy alien life form comes at me in a strange room I was terrified of two minutes ago… I’m totally not going to run screaming into the storm- I’ll just sit there and start playing patty cake with it.

About halfway through this movie I started to suspect that I was being trolled. I think Scott teamed up with Ivan Reitman to develop more ideas and Reitman was just like… make it a more serious Evolution- only with scientists more ridiculous than Orlando Jones… come to think of it- David Duchovny’s character could have REPLACED World’s Stupidest Biologist and the movie would have made more sense… “”Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.”

Then there’s the campy flight crew- redeemable characters if this was a Firelfy spin-off, but it’s fucking not so they are out of place and not given hardly any speaking lines. The Captain- played by the usually great Idris Alba, was okay… but not that smart either and was weirdly unimpressed with people dying or mutating into creepy super zombies.

Shaw’s accomplice, Holloway- (I had to look his name up because I forgot) was unlikable, and bratty… and I didn’t even fucking care when he was incinerated. He was like… oh boo hoo- we flew all this way and everyone’s dead- BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS, YOU STUPID ROBOT? Had it been possible, I would have been following Vickers around with a Bic to make sure the pilot was lit on her flamethrower to ensure his demise.

Yes, Weyland is here because he wants to meet the Engineers to become immortal. I don’t have the foggiest clue how or why an Engineer would do that, but Weyland seems convinced it’s an option.

Oh, let’s not forget about Weyland- who, in a SUPER SURPRISING M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST IS ALIVE ON THE SHIP! Oh we were supposed to think he was dead- but they cast Guy Pearce and gave him top billing so it wasn’t fucking obvious or anything that the guy was still alive. He’s a douchebag, of course, and it was totally necessary to show us his crusty, rotting disgusting feet.

You know, I’m losing focus because I am now thinking that I should have rage quit this movie after the first hour but didn’t- so now I’m stuck reviewing it for people who probably liked it.

I think the writing was horrible. End of story- it was like the characters were written by ten different people and all of THOSE people were fighting. I think that if you are supposed to like a character and you can’t stand them- it’s shitty writing. Good writing would be liking a character at first and then hating them by the end (or vice versa) because some sort of natural character progression took place. There was none of that in this movie… it was half-assed, and didn’t make sense…

And neither did the plot line. I think my favorite conspiracy theory surrounding this was the “missing” plot line of Engineer Jesus. Engineer Jesus (pronounced hey Zeus) was on Earth 2,000 years ago… traveling around, visiting all the different civilizations trying to make them considerate and nice… until the Ancient Romans were like oh “fuck that!” and killed the shit out of him- which makes perfect sense because he’s like twenty feet tall and has super strength. I mean if Spartacus can outwit the fucking Romans then why can’t Engineer Jesus? Anyway whomever’s fault it was… Jews, Romans… Jersey Shore Cast… that pissed off the rest of the Engineers and they were gearing up for beating Earth to death with Michael Fassbender when tragedy struck and they got killed by their own bullshit stupidity. I mean it COULD have been an Alien- but it probably wasn’t because this isn’t a prequel… but sort of a prequel. So our fearless Prometheus crew gets to wander in there- 2,000 years later- with a gleam in their eye and a pack lunch… much better plot line.

Anyway back to lame reality where we go ahead and throw in a bunch of aliens- but not ALIEN aliens… hell let’s throw in Cuthulu for good measure, and make everyone watch a c-section real time because goddammit, one of the writers had to sit through that shit with his wife- and so should everyone else.

LV-426? Let’s change it to LV-WHOGIVESAFUCK and have the SAME EXACT shit happen there, put all these dumb fucks in a room and then never fully explain shit. Oh and at the VERY end throw in a Xenomorph just to mind fuck the people who didn’t walk out two hours ago. The verdict is out… and we’ve all been trolled.

 

 

Permalink to Here, have a tissue.

Here, have a tissue.

by Jennifer|on April 16, 2012 |in Media, Movies |tagged , , , |4 Comments

Anyone watch a “romantic” movie lately? By the tears streaming down your face, I can tell you have. Obviously, you got sucked in the same way I did, assuming that despite there not being a “comedy” tag at the end of the description, there might be a happy ending. Right.

Get ready to turn on the waterworks.

From what I can tell, the “romantic” movie needs to be better labeled. Seriously. With a Romantic Comedy, you know what you’re getting, but a Romantic movie is missing the “tragedy” tag at the end. As you sit there with your tissues, wondering why the hell you decided watching this movie was a good idea, it becomes painfully obvious that somewhere along the line, the traditional Greek definition of comedy and tragedy has been lost and we’ve all been snookered.

Nowadays, when a movie is labeled as “beautifully romantic” it means somebody’s gonna die. It’s going to be sad and you’re going to weep, but we sniffle through knowing somehow it’ll be sort of okay because the partner left behind has learned something, become a better person, because of this tragedy, or at least because of having that person in their lives.

Which brings me around to discussing what a tragedy is for realz. Tragedy does not mean that someone has died needlessly. We’ve forgotten that in a true tragedy, there is a redemption of some sort, even if it’s only of a small, personal kind. Someone still learns something in a tragedy, while situations like a senseless murder are not tragic in and of themselves. No, that is quite simply and horribly a waste of precious life. It only becomes tragic when we all start truly learning something and real change occurs, triggered by the death.

Are we all crying yet?

But i’m losing my path here. I’m talking about movies and storytelling.

I suppose that studios don’t want to flat out say “Hey, you’re gonna weep because the couple you’ve been rooting for all along are going to be torn apart by DEATH”.Which means that we are now going to be manipulated by those same studios into thinking our couple is going to struggle to get together, overcoming obstacles both external and internal, but in the end will be together. Except that this is, in reality, a Romantic Tragedy and so they may end up knowing they were loved and gave love in return, but they will never end up growing old together. The best case scenario is that they do end up together, but there was so much wasted time, so many mistakes made, that we’re still left with a feeling of sadness at the end, that it could have been so much better for them.

In juxtaposition, we have the modern Romantic Comedy. In modern times, there are always lots and lots of laughs in this genre. Things stay light and fluffy, for the most part. There is an extremely happy ending and all is right with the world when we’re through.

They're way too happy. Must be a RomCom.

Shakespeare, of course, had this all figured out and knew how to do it up right. I’ll get to modern standouts in a moment, but we’ll ask the Bard to clarify things a bit first.

Quite simply, Romantic Tragedy = Romeo and Juliet, Romantic Comedy = Much Ado About Nothing. To be a bit more verbose about it, in both stories, two young people fall in love. There may be bickering between families or other little obstacles, but that is the core of their stories, they fall in love and decide to get married.

Also in both stories, we have a young groom who has been told his bride is dead, which is a lie. In R&J, we have a tragic ending, where the young man hears the news and decides to off himself because he cannot live without her.

Our hero, Claudio in MAAN, on the other hand, is told he must marry the bride’s cousin to uphold the contract he made with her father and tearfully agrees.

The difference, in the end, is that Claudio is rewarded for his patience and honor, finding that fair Hero is alive and well. Romeo, impetuous thing that he is, offs himself needlessly, which then triggers Juliet’s own actual and for real suicide.

Alright, see, this one doesn't count. It's too awesome.

With all that explanation out of the way, we can see that the comedy ends happily and the tragedy ends sadly as expected, but unlike our modern RomCom, there is a true depth and drama in MAAN, a full and satisfying tale with true peril for our couple to overcome.

So, are there any RomComs (gah, there’s even a silly name for them!) out there today that can live up to this wonderful mix of drama and emotion to feel more satisfying than the happy-dappy ending we’ve become accustomed to of late? Yes, though just as with MAAN, there needs to be a touch of tragedy in with the comedy.

See, there’s a reason that “Love Actually” is billed as the ultimate romantic comedy. If you have not seen it, and have any interest in all I’m saying here, you should. It manages to wrap up that perfect mix of happy, but temper it with just enough sad to make it resonate in a real way and avoid tending toward the inane. It’s the reason “Sleepless in Seattle” was so blindingly successful as well.

No, YOU are perfect. Sigh.

It seems that basically, to set themselves apart from the Romantic Tragedy, RomComs have gone to an extreme, along with the meaning of Comedy itself. Perhaps this is part of our modern quest for mindless escapism? To me, that simply short changes the genre and the story. It also then blurs what a Romantic Tragedy is meant to be and those films, in turn, are billed as “beautifully romantic”, disguising the darkness watching in wait for an unsuspecting viewer.

What’s to be done about it? Not much, from what I can see. Just keeping our eyes peeled for those deeper stories and sometimes succumbing to the lure of the RomCom when we’re positive we want the happy ending or simply had a rough day. We might possibly try to remember what Comedy and Tragedy are supposed to mean, in the dramatic sense, too.

As for me, I went looking for a story that was romantic without being silly or outrageous and got caught in the trap of the modern Romantic Tragedy/Comedy extremist definitions. Next time I’ll be sure to pull out the tissues before I sit down.

Permalink to My Favorite (Guilty Pleasure) Horror Movies

My Favorite (Guilty Pleasure) Horror Movies

by Cara|on January 13, 2012 |in Movies |tagged , , , , , |1 Comment

Favorite past time: browse the NetFlix queue for shitty horror movies. I mean… totally crappy… like the shittiest shit to ever get shit from a butt (see also: Frankenhooker). Bring it on. I love cheesy horror movies with a side of bad acting however, I usually will only watch them once. Which is more than enough… so allow me to share with you a few from my extensive horror library that I genuinely like and will watch over and over… despite what the critics (or anyone else) thought.

 
10. Troll 2
Pack your bags because we’re going to Ridiculousville! I don’t “really” like this movie… but I like the idea of it… the director didn’t speak English and had no idea what was going on- yet thought he was shooting a masterpiece. Totally brill. I mean- the original movie cover didn’t even have anything to do with the movie! Troll 2 (which isn’t about trolls- it’s about goblins) gives me some serious chills- and I think it’s because the townsfolk mirror the town of Colorado City, AZ. The acting is probably the worst in recent history but having met the cast back at a “Best Worst Movie” screening- I love them to death. They know they are a joke and they are marketing it. Smart move.
Best Moment: all of it… this whole movie is pure win.
Did You Know: The infamous “Oh my god!” scene from the movie has been viewed on YouTube nearly four million times.

Best Line:

A double-decker bologna sandwich! Aaahhh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about… THE TOXINS…! -Goblin Queen

 

 

9. Paranormal Activity
I get all creeped out at the thought of hauntings, possessions and poltergeists… as dumb as the concept really seems- why would a demon bang pots, move doors and stomp around with his big hooves? He’s a fucking DEMON. Still, I dig this movie… mostly because there is virtually no sound other than the low humming of the entity itself. It was marketed right, it was scary, and the ending was brutal. Unfortunately for us this meant the producers thought we needed two more movies going backwards about this girl… wrong.
Best Moment: Katie getting pulled from the bed and drug down the hall.
Did  You Know: The original ending was changed at the suggestion of Steven Spielberg.

Best Line:

What is your quest? What is your favorite color? -Micah

 

 

8. Ghost Ship
Best. Opening. Ever. This movie uses an age old ghost story and ramps it up to high hell… just how far will greed get you? Not far. Again, not many people liked this movie and I just don’t get it. It was creepy- I hate HATE old boats in the middle of the water… same as boarding a deep space vessel! Shit will go down! This movie had a solid cast, solid action and a plot that didn’t drag… even if it had some holes that would sink the Titanic. Also… I love Karl Urban.
Best Moment: although I love the beginning, I have to say that the musical montage to the carnage that befell the boat after the deck mishap really hits a stronger note.
Did You Know: Jack Ferriman’s “Soul Collector” character is named for Charon the Ferryman, the Greek mythological spirit who collected souls from one side of the river Styx and ferried them across to Hades.

Best Line:

Who the fuck you kidding Greer. Everybody knows you Navy boys take it up the ass. -Munder

 

 

7. Pet Sematary 2
Don’t get me wrong- this movie sucks all kinds of bad cliche and turned a terrifying King novel into a joke. But how totally amazing is Clancy Brown? Is anyone going to argue with me? I love me some Clancy Brown (yes more than Edward Furlong- who’s shitty acting also graces this suck fest) and I will happily watch this movie over and over for Clancy’s gleefully evil face… not to mention for its time, PS2 really pushed boundaries by showing a brutal car accident involving a teenager, a graphic face-off with a motor bike and a full blown electrocution.
Best Moment: Clyde getting his face sawed via motor bike by the sadistic undead Gus.
Did You Know: Edward Furlong pretty much went nowhere.

Best Line:

No brain, no pain… think about it! -Gus

 

 

6. Jeepers Creepers
I enjoy a good monster flick that pays homage to the 1950′s EC horror comic books… the script is well written and the dialogue isn’t contrived. I rather enjoy the brother sister team- even if Justin Long was out of his element… he played it off well. This movie is genuinely creepy… although I’d have to say I would have never gone back to “investigate” the area where you “think” you saw a “crazed killer” dump a “body” down a drainage pipe.
Best Moment: the end… where the hero doesn’t need eyes to see… oh wait…
Did You Know: the small role of “the Cat Lady” was played by Eileen Brennan- a veteran actor- and my favorite character in the movie Clue: Mrs. Peacock.

Best Line:

Hey, bum-fuck police, I’m being chased by a guy who likes to pull tongues out of severed heads with his teeth. Is there a special extension for that? -Darry

5. House of Wax (2005)
I honestly don’t understand why people hate on this movie so much… is it JUST because Paris Hilton is in it? Because she barely is. Get over it. The villain is goddamn Brian Van Holt! I don’t need to prove how awesome that guy is. I actually liked the characters, the plot and it had everything I look for in a decent horror flick. Any movie where they go after the achilles tendon is an instant win for me. I can’t even watch that shit- it’s my worst fear… after dolls, propeller blades and dying in a plane crash.
Best Moment: Supernatural’s Jared Padalecki getting encased in wax… okay and the death of Paris Hilton.
Did You Know: The death of Paris Hilton’s character was originally longer and featured more gore but it was cut for the theatrical release.

Best Line:

It is wax, like… literally.

 

 

4. From Dusk Til Dawn
I’ll take a Rodriguez/Tarantino flick any day… and this is probably my favorite. Solid cast, great plot and I loved that it wasn’t really a vampire movie… I mean- that was just one of the problems the Gecko Brothers faced. Also… Danny Fucking Trejo.
Best Moment: The entire vampire end sequence.
Did You Know: The band playing in the “Titty Twister” is Tito & Tarantula, featuring Robert Rodriguez; the lineup also features Oingo Boingo drummer Johnny ‘Vatos’ Hernandez.

Best Line:

Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are! -Seth Gecko

 

 

3. Thirteen Ghosts (2001):
This movie was kick ass. I actually like Matthew Lillard- he’s a great goofy, scared actor and I always enjoy anything Tony Shalhoub is in. This movie had everything that keeps me entertained- good special effects, decent acting, lots of action, neat props and mechanics, and some unique ghosts make this a lot of fun.
Best Ghost: The Angry Princess
Did  You Know: The writing etched on one of the walls in the glass house translates to read The Lord’s Prayer.

Best Line:

Did I say there’s a petting zoo downstairs? NO there are ghosts downstairs Arthur! -Dennis Rafkin

 

 

2. Brainscan
I can hear my husband sighing in despair from here… but hear me out. I realize the bulk of my like for this movie stems from a time in my life when I wanted  Edward Furlong naked on my bed (I was an idiot teenager). But this movie would have been amazing had Edward Furlong toned his over acting down a peg or two and they gave more screen time to the Trickster.
Best Moment: Any scene with the Trickster.
Did You Know: It was originally based on the computer-game “Brainwaves”

Best Line:

Real, unreal, what’s the difference? So long as you don’t get caught. -Trickster

 

 

1.Event Horizon
This movie is amazeballs on a level you probably don’t understand. The writer pitched it “the Shining: in Space” and that pretty much nails it. This takes me back to a time when Paul Anderson was cool… then he made the bag of dicks known as AVP. This movie scared the shit out of me and paved the way for the amazing video game known as Dead Space.
Best Moment: Sam Neil filleting a virtually unknown Jason Isaacs on a med table and then stringing him up on meat hooks like slap of beef.
Did  You Know: The Event Horizon was modeled on Notre Dame cathedral.

Best Line:

Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see… -Dr. Weir

 

 

 Honorable mentions: Pet Sematary, Strangeland, Hostel, Saw, Silent Hill, Dead Silence, Warlock, Every Zombie Movie Known To Man.

Permalink to “When Harry Met Sally” Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations for New Year’s Eve. And Life.

“When Harry Met Sally” Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations for New Year’s Eve. And Life.

by Erin|on January 1, 2012 |in Humor, Movies |tagged , |Leave a comment

It’s no secret that romantic comedies give us unrealistic expectations about relationships and holidays are no exception. For Christmas there are movies like “While you were Sleeping” or “Love Actually,” not to mention all the crap ABC Family puts out every year. For Valentine’s Day there’s… well “Valentine’s Day.” And ever since I first saw it when I was all of twelve years old “When Harry Met Sally” has given me completely unrealistic expectations for New Year’s Eve.

Most years of my adult life I’ve spent New Year’s Eve with friends, at parties. I haven’t had very many New Year’s kisses at midnight and I certainly have never had anyone run into a party to confess their love to me. Yet every year my family watches “When Harry Met Sally” around the holidays and every year I think “Yeah. That’s what I want.” Not just from New Year’s Eve but from a relationship. I want my partner to be my best friend. I want them to love all the stupid little things about myself that no one else even notices.

This post isn’t very funny or insightful because I’ve been taking cough medicine for two days, which means I spent New Year’s Eve alone on the couch feeling like crap. Also I’m distracted by watching Star Wars so here. Just watch. This is the best romantic comedy that has ever been made.

Permalink to How Sparkly Vampires Lost Me a Friend (With a Little Help From my Big Old Mouth)

How Sparkly Vampires Lost Me a Friend (With a Little Help From my Big Old Mouth)

by Amy|on November 20, 2011 |in Books, Humor, Media, Movies, Pop Culture, Rants |tagged , , , , , , , , |Leave a comment

This apple is suing for defamation of character.

Dear Jay*:

Listen, I am really sorry.

Two years ago, you sent me a birthday email. Which was really, really nice. I mean, who still does that in this day and age? You probably just wanted to post on my Facebook wall and have done with it, but I didn’t have Facebook yet then, because I was afraid of the internet. So you took the time out of your day to send me an email, and we hadn’t seen each other in seven years. THAT WAS SO NICE JAY.

It’s not YOUR fault that you, in the course of your email, lightly threw in a sentence that set me off into a burning rage.

“Is it wrong that I started reading Twilight? Or is more wrong that I actually like it?”

Then, THEN, Jay, you followed that with “Did you ever see Let the Right One In? It’s like the Swedish version of Twilight.”

I was thinking the other day, hmm, I haven’t heard from Jay recently, I wonder why? And then I realized I could trace the slow, gradual decent of our friendship to the email response I sent to your very, very nice birthday wishes two years ago. Oh, Jay. Listen, I am really SO SORRY.

I probably shouldn’t have responded to an email full of birthday wishes with a paragraph that was about three pages long, in Word. I know. I’m sorry. And it probably shouldn’t have contained some of the following phrases:

“Well, no, it’s not WRONG that you’re reading Twilight - wait, you’re not a 12-year-old girl! It IS wrong!”

“These books are very sexist. You do understand what the term sexist means, right? If you need a definition, keep reading Twilight.”

“Bella CONSTANTLY needing to be rescued by a man, be it her father, Edward, or Jacob – gets very tiresome. Like, it gives me NARCOLEPSY, it’s so tiresome. I’m asleep right NOW, thinking of it, as a matter of fact.”

“Also, these books are so poorly written that it’s like they gave a sixth-grader a gel pen and a bunch of loose-leaf paper and told her to get cracking. Try to diagram one of her sentences, Jay. TRY. You CAN’T. They run on for PAGES. She not only avoids the rules of grammar, she sees them coming and runs away, screaming, as if they are a STREET GANG.”

“The thing that bothers me the most about them is that little girls are reading them and think that Edward is the kind of guy they want someday, and Edward is as mentioned above, really pretty sexist. And Bella’s a twit. So do they think that they need to lose their brain somewhere and look for a sexist asshole? This worries me.”

“If I wanted someone to tell me sex outside of marriage was bad, I’d go back to church, STEPHENIE MEYER you JUDGMENTAL MORON.”

“And why the fuck does Edward sparkle in sunlight like a glitter-wearing club rat? Vampires don’t SPARKLE. They BITE YOU. And then you are DEAD. Or maybe UNDEAD. But there is no SPARKLING.”

“Please for the love of all that’s holy tell me you didn’t compare Let the Right One In to Twilight. Please tell me I’m dreaming. Am I dreaming, Jay? I am. I am, right? It’s the narcolepsy? THEY ARE NOT THE SAME AT ALL. Except for vampires. That’s like comparing an El Camino and a ’57 Chevy. They both get you where you need to go, only one does it in style, and the other HAS A FUCKING SPARKLY VAMPIRE WHO MOPES AND ACTS LIKE AN OVERPROTECTIVE DOUCHECANOE.”

Oh, Jay. Listen, in re-reading this email (wow, Gmail, thanks for saving things going that far back, so a person can see how badly they behaved) I really kind of overreacted considering you were just sending me a birthday greeting. And we really haven’t been in touch much since.

I’m totally sorry I’m an asshole.

Except I’m right, obviously. On every single count.

Love, Amy.

*not your real name. Which, obviously, YOU are aware of. But it seemed totally asshatty to use your real name without permission? And I didn’t want to ask permission. Because what if you said no? You would have. I mean, this post is not very nice. So I gave you an alias. YOU’RE WELCOME JAY.

Permalink to Dracula vs. Edward

Dracula vs. Edward

by Jennifer|on November 19, 2011 |in Books, Movies |tagged , , |Leave a comment

About 20 years ago, (yes, go ahead, do the math) I wrote a high school term paper on Dracula, outlining the inherent symbolism of the tale. Turns out most of it was about OMGSEX. As I was re-reading it for this post, (yes, I still have the rough draft and all my notes) I realized that the seeds of Dracula and Twilight have a lot more to do with each other than it might first seem possible. It’s actually kind of interesting, if you’ll bear with me.

This post is his fault

In one corner we have Bram Stoker. A strict Protestant, he was wandering around during the Victorian era, well known for its repressive atmosphere. His wife was ‘frigid’, as they said back then, refusing his bed after their first, and only, child was born. A theater manager, hobnobbing with Oscar Wilde, Stoker turned to more adventurous women when his own bed grew cold. At the time Dracula was published, he contracted syphilis.

In the other corner, we have Stephenie Meyer. While she resides in a time when much of society is considerably more free in their ideas of sex than the Victorians, Ms. Meyer is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Mormons, too, have a strict moral code that many see as repressive, especially in regards to women and sexual practices outside of marriage.

It's kinda her fault, too

With such similar moralistic backgrounds, it actually comes as little surprise that these two authors were both drawn to write about vampires. For Stoker, there was almost no precedent for his work. Instead, he was drawn to various scattered myths, gathering them to create the modern view of vampires. Meyer, too, combined several alternate versions of vampires into her own creations, but the fact that they both chose these blood-sucking creatures of the night is quite telling.

And now I’ll get to the more juicy stuff, as it were. I know this is what you’ve been waiting for.

According to critics, “[Dracula's] appeal derives from its images of murder, exploitation, necrophilia, sadism, chauvinism, and oral sex.” Examples of this can be seen throughout the book.

Necrophilia is on display quite plainly in the beguiling nature of both Dracula and his lamia wives, all quite dead, despite their animated facade. Chauvinism is expected in a book of this time, of course, but the men in the book are particularly dismissive of a woman’s place in doing anything except being pure, chaste wives. And the oral sex? Last time I checked, there was a whole lot of sucking going on, with blood standing in for ‘other’ fluids and the dental penetration standing in for, well, you know.

Ooooh. Glittering eyes

As for the characters themselves, the mortal men are, for the most part, faceless stand-ins for Stoker himself, all sharing the same views on women, and proceeding with their vampire hunt with little argument amongst themselves as to procedure, etc., so I’m going to focus here on Dracula and the mortal women in the tale.

Dracula is our classic Victorian rake. Rich, entrancing, and possessed of a “glittering eye”, women “fall” by being associated with him, succumbing to his spell. When his condition is passed on to them, these women become outcast from society, in this case “outcast” means becoming one of the undead. For example, the beautiful, pure, and sweet Lucy Westenra becomes a seductive predator of little children after she dies and rises as a vampire. She requires her noble suitors to kill her and free her soul.

He only had eyes for Mina

Our rake has his eyes truly set on Mina Harker, though, who seems completely incapable of caring for herself, requiring a bevvy of men to look after her as well. She even asks them to kill her rather than let her become a vampire. Unlike so many strong women in literature who gather the courage to take their own lives when faced with a fate worse than death, Mina depends on the men’s strength.

If we take these ideas, these characters, and bring them to the modern era, we most definitely arrive at Twilight. Let me explain.

For Edward, Bella is his Mina, the irresistible girl who is so unable to take care of herself that she needs men to support her. In other words, easy prey. Her frailty manifested in an inability to walk a flight of stairs without tripping over her own two feet, Bella is held up as chaste and beautiful, with her own band of suitors, here in the form of werewolves, ready to protect her from the evil vampires.

Yet Bella is drawn to Edward, nonetheless. Where she is weak, she clings to his strength, pulled in by what the glittering skin, rather than eye, of this particular brand of vampirism. A rake is still a rake, no matter how he glitters, and some girls can’t resist the bad boys. In Bella’s case, her weakness are thrown into even greater relief and she appears even weaker in the face of Edward’s strength and desire. She is completely and utterly at his mercy, so much so that when he leaves her for a time, she becomes a shell of a thing, mirroring Lucy’s draining strength as Dracula feeds on her.

Ooooh the danger

As for Edward himself, we find a slightly more compelling character. While we are surely dealing with the “older man, younger woman” scenario, his blood-lust remains at war with the moral code of the time he was born in and is fairly blatant symbolism for the war within himself between that same code and the sexual lust felt by the young man he was before being “turned”. He does not want Bella to become a vampire, thereby destroying the purity she has in various flavors. It is this inner conflict that separates him from his Gothic counterpart, as well as from his contemporaries at Forks High School.

Because I know I’ve gotten a bit long-winded here, I will sum all of this up with a few simple observations. For me, vampires symbolize sex in all its various incarnations, and in reading any story centered on the undead, I simply cannot help but wonder about the author’s own feelings on the subject and how it influenced their writing. Following that train of thought and knowing something of Stephenie Meyer’s religious beliefs, I cannot help but conclude that, much like Stoker, the restrictive nature of her own moral compass compressed her unexpressed feelings to the point where they were forced to find outlet in the dream of Edward that was the genesis for her series of novels.

And on a final note, having made the connection between oral sex and the bite of a vampire, between necrophilia and the undead nature of the vampire itself, I can’t help but wonder what is up with The Cullens and their justifications in sucking the blood of animals instead of humans. I’m just sayin’.

Permalink to Ten Totally Random Movie/Book Men To Obsess Over Before Edward Cullen.

Ten Totally Random Movie/Book Men To Obsess Over
Before Edward Cullen.

by Cara|on November 18, 2011 |in Books, Movies, Pop Culture |tagged , , , , , , , , , |Leave a comment

In light of the Breaking Dawn craze… and witnessing so much cray cray in grown ass women dress in a fucking wedding dress for the opening of this movie… I decided to compile a list of men… flawed in literature and cinema and their stories are more believable than a hundred year old vampire falling for a stupid teenager. I suggest obsessing over these men before you make a goddamn fool of yourself wishing for the love of the broody Edward Cullen… come on ladies, I know you love him and his “ultra mysterious vampire vibe” but it seems a lot of you have forgotten some of the ultimate bad asses who leave this guy in the dust… so here’s your reminder.

 

10. Peeta Mellark (the Hunger Games): this kid is dumb as lobster bait yet I’d still gladly stand outside his family’s shitty bakery, covered in soot, giggling and waving like an idiot. While you should forget the second and third book ever existed- the Hunger Games is pretty darn amazing… Peeta’s story is a precious albeit sappy and unoriginal one but I still can’t help but swoon over his relationshit. I want to tear my hair out every time Katniss and Peeta interact then push each other away- because it’s like every other high school dramedy you’ve come across- if your high school was a battle field of aggravated assault… oh and you may or may not have to try and murder each other- whatevs… still much more healthy than the emotional abuse our dear Edward bestows upon the willing damp mop that is Bella Swan.

 

 

9. Sherlock Holmes: given the plethora of dreamy eyed man-candy that has played this epic eccentric character- you’d think it would be a sure bet that Sherlock Holmes could slap the shit out of Edward Cullen, laugh sarcastically then prove that vampires don’t really exist… Do you like role play? Holmes is the master of disguise. How about intelligence? Holmes uses logical reasoning to solve crime! Do you dig sidekicks? He’s got a great one. Do you like ultra hot Robert Downey Jr? He PLAYS him in one of the movies. He also has the skills… martial arts, swords, canes, his goddamn fists, and he’s been known to use a riding crop to disarm people. Remember how I said this guy is ripe with intelligence? Yeah I meant it- he’s pretty decent with sensational literature, philosophy, astronomy, politics (okay that one might be a lie), chemistry, and he plays the violin. Guinness World Records has consistently listed Sherlock Holmes as the “most portrayed movie character” with 75 actors playing the part in over 211 films…

 

8. Wesley (The Princess Bride): What’s not to fucking LOVE about the greatest love story every told? You want someone pining for you? How about blond haired, dreamy-eyed Wesley? Who is both a sensitive farm boy and bad ass pirate. Best thing about him? He’ll always come back from the dead and save you before you have to marry that slime ball prince… drop your sword, mother f*cker. If you haven’t spent over a quarter of your life obsessing over this movie, quoting every line and wishing you had a grandpa half as cool as Columbo then you’re really missing something. Wesley is just the very top of an array of awesome men to swoon over in this story- even the Sicilian is less of a mental terrorist than Edward… and everyone knows you never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

 

 

7. Patrick Batman Bateman (American Psycho): because let’s face it- even on his worst of days- dear old Pat is hella less creepy than Edward. Sure he may kill you- that’s only half the fun… but at least when HE sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep there’s a definite (and final) reason behind it… not a wishy-washy pervy ulterior motive. Patrick Bateman loves you in pieces (© Erin). Since you’re already pining after a killer- I figured I’d point you in the direction of a much cooler one. Pat won’t take any of your whiny bullshit either… but instead of leaving you alone in the woods among wolves- he has the common decency to end your misery in a nice apartment- in comfort. He also would never impregnate you with a demon baby… I don’t think.

 

 

6. Kyle Reese (Terminator): can you name anything more romantic than falling in love with a girl in a photograph and traveling back in time to protect the girl in said photograph from an evil murderous robot? I DON’T THINK SO! Can you think of a better story than said couple bringing a son into the world who will lead the resistance against a globally devastating mech war? I didn’t think so either… Kyle Reese leaves good old Edward in the dust for many reasons- the biggest one being he can make a fucking pipe bomb out of household supplies and work his way into the damsel in distress’ panties in under forty minutes screen time… oh and he also coined “come with me if you want to live” one of the most romantic pick up lines ever. Sure… it doesn’t end well… not all stories are perfect- but what matters is that this guy had enough heart, drive and love to do something I’ve never seen anyone in history do… mainly because we don’t have time travel but since when should that stop someone?

 

5. John Bender (the Breakfast Club): nothing quite like having a bully at the dinner table. I loved John Bender so much that I purposefully stalked a dude in high school who kind of looked like him. Wait- am I REALLY telling you to obsess over a bully rather than a “vampire?” Yes. Because everyone knows a Bender- and they love him. We don’t see him in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions… he has just as much mystery as the Cullen kids only he’s not trying to hide his- he’s trying to set fire to the school. He’s your typical bully… hiding all feelings of an abusive home life. He’s negative and demeaning yet says some of the more intellectual shit during the course of a Saturday detention session. Oh AND he gets the princess.

 

 

4. Rick Grimes (The Walking Dead): I won’t get all that spoilery on you but Rick Grimes is a survivor… he’ll go through hell for you and he’s an extremely good father. He even takes pity on people who… may or may not have… boned his wife behind his back. Getting down to the grit of human survival… Rick really shines as a would-be hero of the zombie apocalypse- yet he’s not without some major flawed bullshit moral mind fucks… he’s a problem solver, he’s not afraid to cry and he can kill fifty zombies in under five minutes… one handed.

 

 

3. Bud Brigman (the Abyss): there’s something about a movie couple who mirrors your fighting parents that just gets you as a kid… such a run of the mill couple with marital problems… thousands of feet under the sea dealing with nuclear war and aliens. James Cameron is a goddamn love song poet. Bud is the very coolest of men- and long before Harry Stamper and AJ took over the doomsday oil rigger roles- this guy was shouting his epic lines of anger towards his estrange wife Lindsey, trying to bring her back to life. He will also brave miles of abyssal trenches under thousands of feet of water to help save mankind- which I view as a plus.

 

2. Louis + Lestat (Interview with the Vampire): remember when vampires were cool? Lestat de Lioncourt does… which is why he sired Louis de Pointe du Lac. Not only are these guys the real deal- they also make the feminine vampire vibe look hella badass- and THAT my friends is original… or at least as original as we can get for an ancient global myth. Louis is a much better brooder in my book and Lestat is a rock star… an actual rock star. This vampire had the balls to call out his kind by becoming a goddamn musician. Louis and Lestat don’t sparkle unless they eat a stripper… and they sure as shit don’t play baseball.

 

 

1. Rhett Butler (Gone with the Wind): time for your history lesson… Rhett Butler is one of the original idiots to fall for a stupid, annoying, selfish bitch- proving that vagina is the ultimate cosmic power int he universe- and can be JUST as emotionally abusive as any man. He’s also probably the original honey badger- because he didn’t give a damn. You love to hate his relationshit… it’s beyond frustrating… and in the end- you KNOW this bitch will get him back… I mean… god was her witness… and by the way- Rhett and Scarlett were the biggest fuck weasels in recent cinematic history- and their story is loads more compelling and emotionally driven than Twilight.

 

 

In closing I would like to add that all of these characters are fictional. This seems to be the biggest thing everyone is forgetting. FICTIONAL. They don’t exist in our reality. You can’t marry them. Sure we’ve all had those fantasies about [insert childhood movie star crush here] sweeping us off our feet… but that’s just the thing… they were usually decent role models… I mean- I really didn’t know Corey Feldman and Haim were druggies until I was older and then I dropped liking them because I knew they weren’t people to look up to… and yeah it was pretty devastating to know how badly River Phoenix fucked up… but these people are real. In a social standard that pretty much shoves the Hollywood factor down our throats- I think there are just better stories out there to go nuts over… (but not too nuts).

I am supportive of any of my friends and family who dig this movie- we as humans have obsessive natures. I am not saying that in some way- to some people the Twilight characters don’t have redeeming qualities… I’m sure there are some. I am not without liking some of the characters- who don’t talk a lot. In fact- if this story were about that Alice and Jasper I would be standing in line right now… but I stand firm in believing these are characters meant to entertain our minds and not be a standard for us to expect others to live up to. Husbands and boyfriends are finding themselves competing with a fictional teenage vampire who can do no wrong. Seems pretty ridiculous- seeing as how said vampire is a total controlling dick.

 

 

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