Prometheus: Stupidest Science Fiction Movie from One of the Greatest Science Fiction Directors

Okay so… I’ve had some time to think about this- not chalking it up to being cranky at a midnight showing- and I have to say that Prometheus was simply bad.

Here’s my disclaimer: I’m not a movie snob. I fucking love Ridley Scott. LOVE HIM… okay my husband hates when I overuse the word love… so I REALLY REALLY ENJOY HIS WORK AND MOVIES. Alien was released the year I was born for a REASON… yes I’m old. Fuck off.

I was really dumb to get my hopes up so very high for this but I felt as though it was a no-brainer… history has shown this movie would, undeniably be AMAZING- what did I have to lose? Almost three hours of my life, apparently.

So… here’s the non-spoiler aspect. I’m not trying to discourage people from seeing this (well hell, probably a little) because it’s a damn beautiful movie- cinematography and music are awesome and by all means if you’re a fan of those and know absolutely nothing about the Alien franchise then by all means enjoy the shit out of this movie… but if you get confused easily and love character development- wait for video and go see Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, which did better opening weekend.

Okay so  some SPOILERS- don’t read unless you’ve seen the movie and/or enjoy reading my sarcastic comments on what probably took Scott years of hard work. I’m sorry- but your job is to entertain me and the whole “it’s a prequel but not a prequel” bullshit was even more aggravating than watching the Last Airbender movie.

I’m going to pull from Rob’s Prometheus Review here and there because it summed up everything rather nicely- and should be used as a guide for those of you who were confused… you’ll still be confused but at least you’ll be laughing.

After having a few discussions with friends- I decided that this movie’s major flaw was script… or in my head it all went down something like… Ridley Scott wanted to make an Alien prequel and the producers didn’t… because apparently you have to be five inches from retarded to run a movie studio these days- or a blind monkey throwing ideas at a dartboard is in charge. So Scott wants to make his damn prequel (as does- oh THE ENTIRE WORLD) but the fucktards in charge don’t… stating that Scott probably doesn’t know much about science fiction movie making anyway, right?

So what happens? A smart ass like Scott just starts trying to make a prequel anyway and everything goes to shit. Plot holes the size of the Nostromo and characters you’re supposed to like- but wish with every fiber in your being would just fucking die already. Yeah… maybe that happened… because I know directors change, and I know this director has what it takes. So why such a wishy washy prequel concept? I didn’t get it.

So bad script writing leads to…. major character flaws… So let’s focus my review on that shall we?

However, Rapace does manage to make sure no one brings any weapons into this first foray onto an extraterrestrial world with potential, unknown life on it, so at least she’s got that going for her. -Rob

Something seems wrong here. The only characters I liked were the hardass cunty Vickers and the robot… because HE wanted everyone dead too. We were secretly conspiring together. The main scientist, Shaw? Horrible. I’d think Scott- who created one of the greatest female hero’s in recent history (Ellen Ripley) would know a fucking thing or two about his female leads but something went awry with this one. Maybe Rapace was a big bully and kept punching Scott in the face every time he had a suggestion- I don’t know.

The Prometheus is predominantly full of scientists… really dumb scientist who know nothing of science- namely (as Rob so eloquently refers to them) Weirdly Aggressive Geologist and World’s Shittiest Biologist… I’m not sure WHAT happened with these two characters but my husband figured that Aggressive Geologist (who looks like he stepped off the Warriors set) was initially approached to be a Merc with a gun and someone up and switched his script on him come filming day… he was already in the FRAME OF MIND to be an asshole mercenary… so hey just roll with it because “we fucking need a Geologist or something in here.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever known scientists… but future scientists throw all that brainpower out the window and stop using common sense- so we have that to look forward to. I mean… if a creepy alien life form comes at me in a strange room I was terrified of two minutes ago… I’m totally not going to run screaming into the storm- I’ll just sit there and start playing patty cake with it.

About halfway through this movie I started to suspect that I was being trolled. I think Scott teamed up with Ivan Reitman to develop more ideas and Reitman was just like… make it a more serious Evolution- only with scientists more ridiculous than Orlando Jones… come to think of it- David Duchovny’s character could have REPLACED World’s Stupidest Biologist and the movie would have made more sense… “”Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.”

Then there’s the campy flight crew- redeemable characters if this was a Firelfy spin-off, but it’s fucking not so they are out of place and not given hardly any speaking lines. The Captain- played by the usually great Idris Alba, was okay… but not that smart either and was weirdly unimpressed with people dying or mutating into creepy super zombies.

Shaw’s accomplice, Holloway- (I had to look his name up because I forgot) was unlikable, and bratty… and I didn’t even fucking care when he was incinerated. He was like… oh boo hoo- we flew all this way and everyone’s dead- BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS, YOU STUPID ROBOT? Had it been possible, I would have been following Vickers around with a Bic to make sure the pilot was lit on her flamethrower to ensure his demise.

Yes, Weyland is here because he wants to meet the Engineers to become immortal. I don’t have the foggiest clue how or why an Engineer would do that, but Weyland seems convinced it’s an option.

Oh, let’s not forget about Weyland- who, in a SUPER SURPRISING M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST IS ALIVE ON THE SHIP! Oh we were supposed to think he was dead- but they cast Guy Pearce and gave him top billing so it wasn’t fucking obvious or anything that the guy was still alive. He’s a douchebag, of course, and it was totally necessary to show us his crusty, rotting disgusting feet.

You know, I’m losing focus because I am now thinking that I should have rage quit this movie after the first hour but didn’t- so now I’m stuck reviewing it for people who probably liked it.

I think the writing was horrible. End of story- it was like the characters were written by ten different people and all of THOSE people were fighting. I think that if you are supposed to like a character and you can’t stand them- it’s shitty writing. Good writing would be liking a character at first and then hating them by the end (or vice versa) because some sort of natural character progression took place. There was none of that in this movie… it was half-assed, and didn’t make sense…

And neither did the plot line. I think my favorite conspiracy theory surrounding this was the “missing” plot line of Engineer Jesus. Engineer Jesus (pronounced hey Zeus) was on Earth 2,000 years ago… traveling around, visiting all the different civilizations trying to make them considerate and nice… until the Ancient Romans were like oh “fuck that!” and killed the shit out of him- which makes perfect sense because he’s like twenty feet tall and has super strength. I mean if Spartacus can outwit the fucking Romans then why can’t Engineer Jesus? Anyway whomever’s fault it was… Jews, Romans… Jersey Shore Cast… that pissed off the rest of the Engineers and they were gearing up for beating Earth to death with Michael Fassbender when tragedy struck and they got killed by their own bullshit stupidity. I mean it COULD have been an Alien- but it probably wasn’t because this isn’t a prequel… but sort of a prequel. So our fearless Prometheus crew gets to wander in there- 2,000 years later- with a gleam in their eye and a pack lunch… much better plot line.

Anyway back to lame reality where we go ahead and throw in a bunch of aliens- but not ALIEN aliens… hell let’s throw in Cuthulu for good measure, and make everyone watch a c-section real time because goddammit, one of the writers had to sit through that shit with his wife- and so should everyone else.

LV-426? Let’s change it to LV-WHOGIVESAFUCK and have the SAME EXACT shit happen there, put all these dumb fucks in a room and then never fully explain shit. Oh and at the VERY end throw in a Xenomorph just to mind fuck the people who didn’t walk out two hours ago. The verdict is out… and we’ve all been trolled.