I figured since it’s now the Year of the Dragon, we’d better all figure out what that means to us. I mean, we can’t take these things lightly. DRAGONS, you guys. I mean seriously. DRAGONS. Also, the Mayan apocalypse, so probably we need to be doubly prepared, right? Right.

This is totally scientific and all true. WATCH OUT.

I mean, look at that map. HERE BE DRAGONS. You have to take this seriously or your boat’s totally going to be capsized and eaten.

Now, according to this website, which seems totally legit and on the up-and-up and the article was written by someone named “the Firepig” which, come ON, you can’t GET more sciency than that, here are some things that we have to look forward to this year:

Good things will start happening early in the year. BE READY. I’m totally not ready. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO START BEING READY. I’m kind of freaked out. Like, how good? Finding a quarter in the laundry room good, or someone will come up to me at the supermarket and tell me they want to hire me to run a small theater company in Italy good? AND AM I READY? Dragon, you are totally making me nervous. I don’t even know how to prepare for this.

Fireworks in love and romance, but nothing serious, as the dragon is fleeting. Even though just two sentences above that it says it’s a good year for engagements or marriages. WHAT THE HELL FIREPIG. So I’m supposed to have fireworks, then I’m supposed to have, what, a breakup? This isn’t sounding like a lot of fun. Breakups are totally the suck. I hate breakups, what with the sadness and the moping and all that sad music you’re supposed to listen to and whatnot. I don’t want that, Dragon. Can I just not have the romance, if it’s inevitably going to lead to the breakup? Can I opt out? Is that an option for me? Hello?

The economy will start to boom and creativity will thrive. Ooh! This is exciting. I like booms and thrivings. Wait, I already got my yearly raise. If the economy starts to boom I’m going to be left behind. Also, I don’t think I could deal with much more creativity. I’m already totally swamped. I’m a busy lady. If I had any more creativity, I think my head would explode. DRAGON! Why must you overload me with things? You are EXHAUSTING me.

At the end, it asks, “Are you ready to fly with the Dragon?!” and although I totally appreciate the interrobang, because you never get enough good interrobangs, really, I don’t think I’m ready to fly with the dragon. Unless it’s Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. I loved that dragon. So cute, right? I totally wanted to snuggle him. I’d fly on that dragon. But otherwise, I think flying on a dragon would be really stressful. I mean, you might fall off, and then your ears would pop from the changes in air pressure with all those ups and downs, and what if the dragon decided to dive underwater or something and forgot you were on his back, you’d totally drown. And what if the dragon was that creepy-ass Luck Dragon from The Neverending Story? I hated that thing, it was like a furry worm-dog. It looked like it would give you ringworm, and shed all over your pants. NO THANK YOU.

Ugh. Like disgusting vermin, this thing. No thanks.

Could not be cuter and more perplex-y. I'd ride this dragon and ONLY this dragon.

Alright, so the Chinese astrology thing was kind of a bust. What can we learn from George R. R. Martin?

Could I be any more excited for Season Two? No I could not.

We know from Daenerys that “fire cannot kill a dragon” and one of her handmaidens told us that “dragons come from the moon” so really all we know from this is that if dragons come for us we can’t use flamethrowers against them as weapons (and I mean, who would do that, anyway? That’d be stupid. Dragons ARE a flamethrower. That’d be a pointless weapon to use against them) and probably don’t go to the moon or you’ll get eaten by a dragon. HELPFUL.

Listen, we are really not learning a lot about how best to deal with the Year of the Dragon, here, at all, are we.

If you are born this year, your motto, according to Wikipedia which is never, ever wrong is “I reign” (why the hell isn’t this MY motto? OH HOLY HELL YOU GUYS. My motto is “I win.” I’m not even kidding. That’s the best news I’ve had ALL YEAR. I do! Win! I say that ALL THE TIME! And my horoscope backs me up! Yay, year of the Tiger! Winning totally trumps reigning! SUCK ON THAT DRAGON) and you like to eat wheat and poultry so you should probably go eat a turkey sandwich on wheat toast or something. Also, you’re at your best between 7-10am. Who the hell is at their best between 7-10am? Crazy people and perky people, I’d think. No one likes those people, by the way. They’re all “GOOD MORNING” and I want to punch their throats. DIAL IT BACK A NOTCH SUNSHINE.

OK, well, this has been the least helpful. I guess my best advice for dealing with the Year of the Dragon is:

• Be prepared for something to happen that is positive, maybe, or not
• Maybe you will fall in love, or not, and it might be ripped away from you, or not
• Don’t fall off the dragon if you fly on him
• Don’t try to set dragons on fire
• Don’t travel to the moon
• Eat a turkey sandwich

I know I feel better with those guidelines under my belt. HAPPY YEAR OF THE DRAGON EVERYONE!