So I know it’s kind of ridiculous to start writing about The Office now. I mean, it’s what, fourteen seasons in? What’s that? It’s only 8 seasons in and you think the sheer fact that I don’t know that means I’ll be a horrendous recapper for The Office? Shows what you know. I ROCK EVERYTHING THAT I DO SO HARD YOUR WHOLE FACE IS GOING TO MELT OFF.

ANYWAY, before I was rudely interrupted by the peanut gallery of RUDENESS, I was SAYING, that YES, I know it’s kind of ridiculous to start recapping The Office eight seasons and seven episodes in. And, ASIDE, are we really eight seasons in? GOOD GRAVY THAT’S A LONG TIME. But you know what? That’s how I roll. Also, I think I’m qualified. Here are the reasons why.

1. I’ve never missed an episode.
2. I like The Office.
3. One time, Jim Krasinski came to my hometown. He was wearing a hat, and this fooled people into thinking he was not a very famous person, until he took his hat off, like Superman pulling off his glasses, and then people were all, “Aren’t you from M.A.S.H. or something?” True story. Kind of. I may have exaggerated parts of it. No, I don’t think you need to know which parts, NOSY.
4. As mentioned earlier, I rock everything I do.

Also, these aren’t so much going to be “recaps” as they are “I’m going to ramble on about the episode a little so suck on that real recap sites that take things seriously.” Additionally, I think the show used to be a lot better than it is, so I’m hoping, through these recaps, to exhort it to become great again. Because you know the people who write it will read them. Why wouldn’t they? I mean, you did read about the rocking, right? That I do? How could you have missed it, I mentioned it twice.

The Office
Season 8, Episode 7
“Pam’s Replacement”

In brief: Pam trains a temp to take over for her while she is on maternity leave. She becomes obsessed with getting Jim to admit he is attracted to her and teams up with Dwight to prove the attraction. Meanwhile, Andy, Darryl and Kevin are jamming in the warehouse, when Robert California decides to jam with them, but it soon becomes apparent that they are no longer welcome in their own band.

That was an awesome recaplet. I should totally get paid for this.

Times I laughed out loud in this episode: 6

1. Dwight grabbing Jim’s crotch repeatedly and then asking Pam if her husband had a very soft erection
2. Erin’s proud look when she thought she really sold the pretend phone call about Andy’s dead mother (“She was hit. BY A BUS.”)
3. Dwight handing Creed a Toblerone candy bar so he and Pam could spy from his corner of the office, and Creed looking at it like it fell from the sky and saying, “Where did I get this triangular thing?”
4. Dwight mocking the old man at the drugstore
5. Kelly wanting to write something mean on Jim’s bald friend’s Facebook wall and Pam saying “Oh, Kelly, don’t.”
6. Ryan’s abnormal pride in his car, even though he lives with his mother

Times I wanted to punch someone: 1

1. Effing Robert California, seriously, what the hell. STOP IT OFFICE.

Times I half-squeed: 2

1. Pam’s worried face when she realized Jim had high blood pressure
2. Jim faking us out by pretending he’d been attracted to Kathy all along

OK, listen. The show isn’t as funny as it used to be. That is a given. However! The show also does not make me want to hide behind a pillow anymore out of embarrassment like it did when Michael was in charge, which is nice.

Robert California is a stupid idea and I don’t think was thought through fully. They’ve got James Spader. Who is very talented. And they’re wasting him! He’s not funny! He’s just…there! Creepers gon’ creep, I don’t know! It is ODD. And I am not impressed. Also, what HAPPENED, Spader? Such a weird bloat-face going on. It is strange, right? Secretary was only about 10 years ago and he was smokin’ hot in that. I don’t get it. Is he ill?

What’s going on with that new warehouse girl? Last week there was this odd love triangle with her and scary skinny Gabe and Darryl, and this week it looked like she wanted to climb Andy’s pole. I don’t get it. On the other hand, I want her to play Michonne in future episodes of The Walking Dead. She has a look I like for the part. That is not relevant at all to what we’re discussing here.

I only half-squeed, by the way, because the show hasn’t given me a full squee in a really long time. I MISS MY SQUEES. Although Jim’s mad face when Dwight was groping him was SUPER HOT. I like angry Jim.

OK, so here’s the scoop. Every week, I’m going to rate The Office on two scales. One is overall, and the other is based on how much Creed there was. Because LISTEN. I am OBSESSED WITH CREED. Does anyone remember that episode when he dyed his hair with toner cartridges? BEST CREED EPISODE EVER.

So “Pam’s Replacement,” on the Creed Scale, gets:

ONE TONER CREED. Because he wasn’t in it much, but that Toblerone thing made me spit-take. Triangular thing. LOVE IT CREED.

And on a scale of one to ten Creeds, this episode gets:

ONE VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED CREED.

It would have been better, but Andy scatted a lot, and I am totally anti-scat.